So this past week I’ve come to realize that I’ve been “off” within me.  I can’t quite fully explain it, but I would either be edgy or thoroughly exhausted or both without any clear reason. Maybe, it was just part of my adjustment after my return from my recent week at BBSH in Miami.

This past weekend I had a couple of subtle yet profound experiences.  I remember either early morning or late night thinking about sex, and somehow I dozed off briefly and this person flashed briefly in my head and heart and challenged me to hold off and climb thru to the “other side”.  And then suddenly I was filled with anticipation and excitement over crossing over to “the other side” into something more exciting than sex.  I didn’t just believe it, I could feel it.  It was like being a little kid and bursting with anticipation to start off on a new adventure into some wondrous new place.  I couldn’t see the other side.  I don’t think I actually crossed over, but I could feel the chills of excitement all thru me just before the entrance. And it felt giddy!  Actually even days later as I write this I can still feel it, and have this vague concept of some type of “opening” that’s located above belly level that one can climb or jump thru. Sort of like maybe a window in the wall.  You open up the window to get to the outside, but you have to climb up a bit to get thru the window.

I think some feelings I’ve had that were connected to the idea of “crossing over” was a realization that many years have passed and that many people that I have looked up to as mentors, teachers or role models, have either passed on or are in the later years of their physical life on Earth.  I was once a child and now I’m entering the center of adult hood, where others will be looking to me and my peers to set the template and example for others to follow.  And those that once set the template and example for me, I sense are entering a phase of returning to less and less responsibility and claiming more and more play and remembrance time.  They are returning in ways returning to the kids they once were.  They are relinquishing the control and role in this physical world they no longer need in preparation to “crossing over”.

To those who have paved the way before me, I honor you deeply and feel compelled to say your job is done and I thank you for a job well done and served.  Thank you. Thank you. Namaste.

To those who I am paving the way for, I honor you for being so brave to enter this journey, not knowing for sure the perils, twists, ups and downs that still await you. I love you.

To me for not quite knowing what I’m getting into, but still accepting however is, whatever is … even when there are many times when I don’t feel like I’m qualified, that I’m up to it, or that I’m enough.  To still be willing.  I honor myself. I cherish myself.  I love myself.

And in the mix of these words all I can say is there is this undeniable feeling of happiness and excitement about this “crossing over”  It’s so beautiful. I haven’t seen it with my eyes, but I feel it in my heart, speak it thru my mouth and hear it in my ears.  I almost want to cry.

The other part of this experience I’ve been having is best described as a strong desire to ground myself.  It’s no longer just a good thing to do, but it feels like a vital necessity, like an urge to drink cool water after feeling exhausted from dehydration. And it’s not simply just a grounding into the Earth, but sort of a grounding into myself.

On a Sunday morning I remember waking up wide-awake, but exhausted from this thirst to ground.   And so I found myself a small spot in a room that had some direct sunlight and I just sat on the floor.  Initially, I meditated with my eyes close, but more I just sat there on the ground, eyes open and just sank.  It was like I had been floating apart from my body and now I was just taking the time to stop running around and allow my spirit to fall back and embrace my body. But it felt like a long endless fall not just into my legs, but a falling into each of my cells, and to ever deeper dimensions within me.

And as I sat I kept on falling.  I marveled at the beauty of the familiar dirt and dust on the window, some of the chipping paint on the nearby wall, and the sunbeam lit stream of dust particles dancing around before me.  It was so real, like I had always remembered it was when I was a kid, maybe like it was when I first cross over during my birth as a child.   So so beautiful this Earth.

And I kept relaxing again, and again, and again, and again.  Forever falling deeper into simply just being.  It was like being exhausted and collapsing into the most comfortable bed, and as every minute passes you’re still too exhausted to lift your head and you just collapse deeper and release and surrender over and over and over again.  I did not want to get up.  I was still falling.  My breathing started to slow down.  And sometimes I would literally stop breathing as I fell into another release and then I would spontaneously catch a deep exhilerating breath for fresh air deep deep deep into the bottom recesses of my sacrum.

These two experiences I had of “crossing over” and “falling into me” were so much connected.  It felt so good.  So so so nourishing.  So so so necessary.  I want to be there always.

I’ve become conscious of an undercurrent of feeling like I need to do things to make myself feel enough of a “good” person to show my face to the world.  Like this feeling that has been around for every Christmas that my worth is based upon the gift I give to others. And to those I don’t impress with my gifts or even worse I don’t offer a gift, I feel deep shame.  I feel “I am not enough” and I feel like a “bad person” and I feel “bad, disconnected and exhausted.”

And as I closed my eyes and fell again, and felt the presence of the “crossing over” I felt a voice say to me “You Have Done Enough. You need not do any more.  Let go.  Fall.  Let down.  Breath into your life.  Soak into the quenching of your thirst. You have done enough. Worry no more. You have done enough. You are enough.  There is no more to be done.  I love you.  Just be.

To you who are reading this now, for whatever you feel like you need to do or accomplish, take time to just let it all drop. Take time to fall into you. You are loved just the way you are.

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