So yesterday and this morning I woke up a bit groggy but both times I felt this urge to run.  And so I went for a slightly under 1 mile run and I was surprised how strong I felt.  I started off fast and didn’t have to slow down.  And as I was making the return leg of my run, I noticed that I did not slow down, I was not panting, or aching. So I just maintained speed, relaxed, and let my body just naturally accelerate with ever lengthening strides.  Wierd.  No actually neat.

So after cooling down a bit, I went inside and sat on the floor “Indian Style” and felt great.  Yesterday, I was in a hurry to get to my work place, so I couldn’t enjoy the sensation as long as I would have liked.  But today, I made it a point to take my time and just sit and feel it.  Every now and then my mind would chatter with: “But you should get to your office now, because you need to check up on things and see if there are any more updates on your job situation.”  I had lost my job this past Monday, and so the panicky part of me wants to drive me to invest every second of the day and night worrying about my future employment. I have 2 months left before I’m officially unemployed. In these times it’s in a way a test of your spirit.  Question just how important is your employment.  And realistically the panicky part often isn’t thinking so much: “I’m worried about your employment in say 2 months from now”, but more like “I’m worried about your employment the next minute, and then the minute after that, and again and again and again.”

The small voice within tries to get me to step back with objectivity and recognize that the chance of life changing opportunities being passed up every minute is far far lower than the assured loss of my quality of life if I worry about every minute.  Because in the end you know we all die.  I’m in my 40’s and my Mom and my grandfather both died in their 50s.  So if I worry about every minute then maybe I’ve got my act together, but it’s only an act to excel in dying sooner.

So yes all these thoughts flashed thru my body.  A voice panics, but what if your boss calls and complains that you’re slacking off.  You might lose your job.  Wait a minute.  You already lost your job.  And so I cleared my worries and just soaked in this bliss that was emerging from my belly.

Lately, I’ve been more observant of this sensation that’s been in the belly.  I’ve not had that much contact with that ecstatic  sensation of the Source that comes from the heart region.   I’ve had many encounters with that weak sensation in the belly, though. The best I can describe is, it’s like trying to push yourself to do many more sit ups than you can normally do.  Once you over exert your stomach muscles for the first time, you will eventually feel sore and your muscles may at times spasm a bit.  You feel weak and vulnerable.  That weak and vulnerable sensation is what I’ve come to recognize.

I recognize this weak sensation many times as a good thing.  Normally you don’t think of feeling weak and vulnerable as good, but for me it’s a clue that I’m currently on to something that is very core and true.  If I don’t feel it, then it more likely means I’m in this comfortable and superficial state of existence.  So when I feel it, I don’t want it to go away and I don’t want to ignore it.  I stop everything and listen and feel or at least keep a note that something core is happening.

So as I was seated, still cooling down from my run I just that weak belly sensation, and the act of sitting was almost like being able to fall asleep after a most exhausting effort. It felt so good just to let everything drop and to bask in this sensation of weakness and vulnerability.  And as soon as I acknowledged it was OK to enter this weakness, and in fact it just was, I started to feel a warmth and glow throughout my body, and then beauty from my heart.


And so I felt like I wanted to sit here for a very very very long time.  This feeling is what it is all about. And you know what?  The time on the clock seemed to be moving slower.  You know all is well, not so much intellectually but emotionally and spiritually in this bask, this glow.  You don’t care much about anything as long as you can stay in that sweet spot of ecstasy.

I started to have a real real clear lucid dream of a picture that was aqua on the background with sort of vines, branches, leaves and flower patterns painted in the foreground.  I could feel but not see the overlay of this picture on low cut boots.  It was just so stunningly clear, even though what I’m writing probably makes no sense at all.  I guess the best sensation to show you this is to watch Alice in Wonderland in 3D and wait for the closing credits.  In the closing credits you’ll see vegetation slowly growing on the screen, and that sensation is sort of close.

So I’m going to soak in Source for a while longer.

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