It’s now been a few months since I’ve last posted. This
blog has to some extent lost it’s way. I’ve been recording much of
my struggles in a private journal off line. And so I’m not sure why
I’m writing now, except to maybe keep the faith in this sensation
I’ve called the source. Lately I’ve been exposed to the training
and teachings of the Barbara Brennan School if Healing. Some of the
things I’ve gained so far are what it feels like to be in utter awe
of human simplicity, belongingness, a greater ability to feel
thankful/privileged and personal healing. None of the Healings have
approached touching the Source. But then there is an aspect of the
school’s philosophy that might question my touching the source as
being Schizoid in nature. I mean when I had touched the Source all
pain was gone and I was in bliss and ecstasy. I miss that, and in
fact it’s been so long now I’m almost forgetting the feeling. The
schools nature is much about being here. Stop drifting off in a
happier and safer place. Don’t close your eyes. Dare to keep your
eyes open, dare keep in the present and face your fears, pains, and
turmoils all the way thru. But also accept that you will falter,
and blink, and in fact it’s also in the faltering that you grow.
And don’t be surprised when bad situations don’t turn out to be as
bad as you fear. So lately this principle of keeping my eyes open
has been tough. I am so much more aware of my emotions than I’ve
ever been before in my life. And I’m in agony! I am so tempted to
binge drink Vodka and just knock out my consciousness. It’s just
that I know alcohol is only temporary and binge drinking is
damaging to your body. And the bigger thing is I want to stay true
to the Schools philosophy of staying in my body, staying in contact
with here, now and icky reality. It’s just that I feel so bad! I
kind of wish I were dead. But I’m here and able to write about it.
Excuse me now while I pause to reconnect to the fading ambers of
that sensation of touching the Source.

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