Yesterday was another growth experience for me.  Firstly I went to a New Years Eve retreat alone.  I was starting to get ambivalent if this was the right thing, but as I was driving on my way to the Farm House (where the retreat was at), I did understand that this was good, this was my decision, my decision to regret or rejoice if needed, but mine just the same.  If I didn’t go then it would have been a blow to my identity, of being able to both discover creative things as well as allowed make my own mistakes.

So I arrived at my destination I was a bit edgy because I was possibly running late.  And then I followed this other car and parked in a grassy field.  But then I noticed that the ground looked a bit ominously soft. So I decided to edge my way back up onto pavement, and I almost got there and then I was stuck. The people from the other car sort of made comments about you might as well just give up and go to the retreat.  They were staying overnight but I was not staying overnight.  I felt the urge to restore my safety in not being trapped, in being able to leave at a moments notice on my own terms.  My tires started to spin away. I was frustrated.

The people in the other car wanted to know if I wanted a push.  Then I asked if one of them could drive my car while I pushed.  So we pushed but the car only got further into mud.  We tried to back out but my car only dug itself deeper into mud.

One of the other persons mentioned they had AAA, but I knew that didn’t mean very much as I don’t think you can call for road service for another person.  But the offer to help did trigger me to remember that I did have Better World Club membership.  So I pulled it together and gave up and accepted that only a tow truck could get my car unstuck. So I closed off everything, pulled my composure and walked with them to the retreat, actually helping them carry one of their cushions and talking with each a bit.

As I sat at the retreat, I realized that I was in a state of hidden panic.  I would have felt so much better to not be there and so my spirit was out of my body, thinking things as desparate as:  “I am stuck here, it’s New Years eve and there will be no tow trucks available.”  Then I was worried that it was getting dark, that my car might be too far off the road to get a successful tow.  Then I was thinking I would feel better just calling for a tow truck and waiting to get my car out before going into the retreat.  But I knew that if I waited for a tow truck I would miss out on most of the retreat and this whole trip would have been for naught.  So I had to do my best to postpone my panic.  It was starting to get dark and as it gets darker it’s harder for the tow truck operator to see what he’s doing.  So I was thinking that I was giving up the safety of daylight for the sake of being at the retreat.  I started to disasterocize, that they might have to wait for weeks for the ground to dry up to get a truck close enough to my car.  Then I was starting to wonder if my membership had lapsed?  Further panic set in.

It was then that I started to realize one reason why road club membership is so much better than saving the membership fee and paying for tow service as needed.  It was called peace of mind.  On New Years Eve and in a state of panic without road club membership I would be so ill equipped to try and search for the nearest active tow service.  So while economically a road membership only starts to pay for itself with the 2nd tow truck service, the membership was worth it to me.  It prevented me from going into more intense panic.

So I had time to focus on pretty severe but manageable anxiety.  But as I sat at the retreat I just Witnessed my emotions. I was experiencing terror.  I honestly felt like I’d be trapped forever.  That my life was a threat.

Then Loseng, the Tibetan Bhuddist Monk, mention detachment from material things and I thought so what if I just abandoned and lost my car.  I could still live here and I could eventually (within maybe 24 hours) get a ride.  So what if I lost my car forever. So what if I lost all my possessions. And even if my life was threatened what is so bad about losing my body.  These are all just posessions.

Then in a meditation with my eyes just slightly open I saw 2 candle flames flickering and sensed the presence of a femalic mentor/goddess without words conveying to me that all was well. It was like I was in the moment of what if feels like to die and this gatekeeper kept me at peace.  It was like if I was sleeping in bed and was being lightly awakened from a nightmare, with a compassionate orange yellow presence comforting me while showing me concern.  I guess the presence was  like my spiritual nurse maid in a spiritual hospital with me in the hospital bed.  It was almost like she was saying you’ve been thru alot (of emotions), but rest assured it really was all OK.  You see you can let go of your body, you can let go of things.  People, circumstances can tie it up your posessions, and entangle it, but you can detach and not be tied up and entangled with your posessions.  You an walk away and let go of what are really no more than things you worry you will lose (your possessions).  And as you are in the state of letting go, of having no possessions, notice how free you feel.  You can be a free spirit.

One realization I had was that I am not any one emotion.  I am not mean nor am I kind. I am not good, and I am not bad.  I am not angry, I am not sad, and I am not happy. The one thing I know I am is that I am, and that’s about all I can say.  And the meanness or kindness or only emotions, only things that can flow thru me.  To hold on to one description is to become a victim.  To say I am angry is to say I am stuck at the one state of emotion of angry.  To say I am happy is to say I am stuck at happy and to ignore and not embrace the shadow part that is angry and sad.  Because the reality is that I can be angry, happy, and all sometimes all emotions simultaneously.  I am really all kinds of emotions simultaneously.  Emotions flow thru me but they are not me.

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