So on Friday I managed to lead my first successful meditation.  It was just Eric, Virginia and myself.  It lasted only about 10 minutes and was sort of interrupted a bit as Eric was coughing a lot and had to excuse himself a bit to calm down his coughing.  Despite this fact I felt more confidence come within in me as I moved thru the meditation.  I finally felt confidence in leading a mediation this Wednesday.  I don’t know quite what path my meditation will take, but I know it will turn out fine, and in fact very well.

I have been starting to notice more frequently this tightening or tremoring feeling in my torso more often.  It’s partly nervousness I guess, but I think it’s more so my body just resonating on a true path as I’ve had this feeling when I was feeling completely safe but just simply on a roll of many realizations and insights.

This morning I’ve really started to notice a different aspect of the Source.  Now I start to listen to the Source.  And when I listen to the Source talk to me, I then start to feel the Source.  But I can’t quite say the Source is speaking words to me.  It mostly speaks feelings to me, but then the words start to fly off the feelings.  The best I can describe what’s happening is like when psychologists talk about the mental tapes that we play in our heads.  For many of us we unconsciously play over and over again these negative voices in our head that criticize us for fear of looking awkward, or stupid.  There are words that no one loves us, or that we are not doing enough, or why can’t we stop doing things we don’t want to do.  We beat ourselves up often.  So when the Source speaks it sort of speaks on the same level as these unconsciously played mental tapes.  It speaks softly and clearly to replace these mental tapes with positive, encouraging, praising, reassuring and loving tapes.

For the moment I’m feeling this state that the Source is capable of loving me more than me.   It can give me love where I am not strong enough to give myself the love that I need. And when I listen I start to feel nurtured and I start to want to serve the Source.  I don’t think I’ve been asked by the Source to do anything other than just more or less put one foot in front of the other and don’t get down on myself.  I had been encouraged to go serve in the Emmanuel Dining room because that is what I wanted to do but not much more.  I’ve been encouraged to go forward with this meditation on Wednesday and don’t be scared because it is will all be good.  I don’t have to quite my job and become a missionary, I just need for now just to listen to the soothing song of the Source and then just feel the love and feel good about myself.

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