I’m not quite sure what’s been happening the past few weeks, but I guess there’s been an under current of uneasiness of things unsettling. Maybe it’s a bit like the tornadoes that seem to steadily taking up lives in the US, but sort of strangely and quietly in the back ground, yet not quite in the background.

Today I had a dream and in that dream I was recalling how I felt lacking in many areas, but there was one thing I could do and that was float through the air.  I generally kept this fact a secret because I didn’t want to freak people out by floating through the air like a spooky ghost, but I knew I could do this by will or sometimes it would be difficult to stop lifting off the ground.  However, it was kind of a neat ability because when things got hectic I could float, glide and fly quickly to get to wherever I needed to go.  I could fly very fast and skillfully.

And so in one of my many years of having this ability I found myself inside this house, which resembled a bit of my father’s house.  I thought about the fact that I usually only floated up to maybe ceiling height.  I then thought about flying up higher.  I step outside to the back yard where there was an opening of grass surrounded by woods. And then I started to float as I usually do.  But then as I rose I started to notice being bitten by mosquitos. And then some inner voice mentioned that my ability to float is connected with charging up my energy field, and as you do this more it attracts bugs like a light attracts bugs in the dark. That humans have varying levels of energy chargedness which more or less attracts bugs, which is why some people get bitten more than others.  Another insight was that a person’s stress or anxiety level factors into the static-ness of this charge.  The inner voice warned not to float and charge up so open like that.  As I started to float towards the top of the trees, maybe about 40 feet in the air, I really got attacked by bugs.  They were swarming and voracious, and so I quickly came down, and landed thoroughly exhausted.  It’s like they sucked my energy away.  I started to wonder the symbolic meaning in maybe that people in this world are mosquitos and when I shine my vulnerability, warmth and love, will they only suck me dry.

And then my eyes opened up.  I woke with the sunlight gleaming in my eyes.  I had been dreaming.  And then it struck me by shock.  I felt this horrifying realization: “You know what?  I don’t think I can float thru the air!”  But I was also shocked that I thought I believed I could fly through the air as well.  I heard this critical voice say: “Oh my God!  You have actually believed you could fly through the air since child hood!!”  It’s like a part of my memory banks were kept secret from my consciousness and for so many years for as long as I could remember I really could float and fly, in a Peter Pan like fashion.  But if I scan my conscious memory banks I have no evidence that I ever actually did float or fly.  But another part of my mind has always remembered that I could float and fly just as naturally as I could breath.  I was in total shock as both sides of my mind were shocked with the realization of the other.  The part that always knew I could fly was shocked to find out that I can’t fly.  But the part that had never seen me fly was shocked that I was so dellusional to actually believe I could fly and for over 40 years!

And then I sort of didn’t want to rise out of bed and report to my work place. I started to wish I was dead.  I heard this comforting voice somewhere ask: “Would you like me to take your life now?” and I said “Yes, take me now in bed!”  “But what about those that will miss you?”  and I said “It’s OK I’d rather wait for them on the other side.  I mean if I stayed here I’d only get to see some of them leave me, so I’d rather leave first now”

But I did rise out of bed.  I found my dog sprawled across the floor in the sunlight.  She really knows how to relax and that realization made me partly jealous but mostly happy.

I pull myself together.  A bit scared.  Lacking in some direction and intent. Not really wanting to live. I prepare to walk my dog and then slug out to work.

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