About two weeks ago I was pretty sure that I’d be leading a meditation on February 17th. But now I’m not so sure.  I’m getting really really cold feet.  It feels like things like addressing some personal issues in my life have fallen by the way side this past month and things like preparing to lead meditations might be the reason.  I am still trying to sort out why I even decided to lead a meditation in the first place. My biggest reason was that I could use it as a basis to be more socially active and so help enrich the my life, and my relationships.  But there are disconnects here.

I mean I’ve both tried the let’s go out and meet someone for dinner or at a movie route to get to know people.  But usually I find I only get to know people superficially at a restaurant or movie, unless by chance I strike a deep connection.  Say you’re not a natural talker, like me.  Say you’re uncomfortable with someone but you really want to tell them that’s bothering you that concerns them.  At a restaurant or movie you can avoid the awkward talk more easily by focusing on the taste of the food or he action in the movie.  When you feel uncomfortable the there is desperate need to do anything to fill in that silence and so you will often succeed in avoiding to talk about the think you wish you could talk about but are scared to talk about. This is why I thought my meditation as the social activity was going to be the key.   So I have found that it’s true that meditation can help set and focus the mood to talk to people at a deeper level, because everyone feels it’s now socially acceptable to be silent and not have to fill the awkward silence with chatter, because the silence is what you are expected to achieve.  However, if you want to mention something you are uncomfortable with to another person the meditation does not in itself bridge the gap.

So if you are going to mention to someone else that you kind of felt hurt that they seemed to want to avoid you, will you actually have the courage to mention that feeling to another.  Because doing so can make you sound lonely and vulnerable and make the other person feel awkward. Will you actually have the courage to share what is embarrassing, possibly politically incorrect, and  to reveal how much you don’t have “your act together” as much as it may appear.  That in fact you might be “in a total shambles”.

Also that small quiet voice I call The Source has been feeling very quiet and even confusing lately.  I get the message of why put myself thru so much grief leading a meditation when it’s supposed to be more like a hobby?  But then I sometimes get the message “Whoa wait a minute.  You are not going to quit leading meditations because this is at the core of your voice, of your personal expression.”  And then in the end I get “it doesn’t matter.  What ever you decide it’s all OK. I love you period.”

I recently committed to leading a meditation on March 6th for Tom Lagana the co-author for “Chicken Soup for the Prisoner’s Soul”.  Yes the same book series lead by Jack Canfield.  So it’s a step up in expectation from the Meditation Cove meetup group.  Part of me is screaming “I want to quit, it’s too scary”  Then part of me says it’s OK you can do it.

I have to admit possibly the rave feedback I got from the last meditation I lead both built up my confidence as well as eroded it.  Because now I’m thinking how am I ever going to top that first meditation!  But since when is a meditation supposed to be a peformance?  What if they aren’t as emotional as with that first Self Love Meditation. What if they say things like “eehh. It’s just not that good anymore.  Ahh the first meditation must of been a fluke.  You know next time we’d rather have someone other than Wilson lead a mediation.  I don’t see what the big deal was all about Wilson.”

But then I come back to the voice inside that says, “If that happens, it’s OK and actually good.  It’s a growth experience to go thru disappointing others”. I also have to keep coming back to the voice inside that did say that the right time to lead is when you are least sure.  Because then it’s true you and hard to believe it, it’s the true person that people value.  The more vulnerable and exposed the better. Really.  It may not make for a great recording, but believe me in person it will be the most potent, for those who are being lead thru the meditation and for especially you who is very scared at the thought of leading a meditation.

Ahhhhh!. What am I getting myself into?  Should I quit this now while I can or should I stick it out?  Is this a growth opportunity for me or am I putting myself thru unnecessary grief?

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