Touch the Source

So if you’ve been reading up on https://www.tiredmiddleagedman.com I’ve been processing the rite of being layed off. For some of you readers being layed off is no big deal, so I guess I’m new at this.  But in any regards if you’re new at anything and it’s something that has happened for the first time in over 20 years, it’s kind of a big thing emotionally.  I mean for me, a 44 year old person, we’re talking about something I’ve lived with for nearly 50% of my entire life.  So I only digress like this to stress that this is emotionally quite big for me.  And within all big emotional hardships comes great opportunity to spiritual growth.  Well it’s being nice to call it an opportunity, it’s more just something that happens and you will inevitably grow whether you like it or not; it may be nice, but more likely very uncomfortable or downright terrible, but trust me you will grow.

So today I took a time out to just be more in the present.  I started to think more and more about Ekert Tolle’s title “The Power of Now” and it’s calling to be in the present.  This past Wednesday I had an opportunity to walk with a group of others in the Labryinth on the Delaware Art Museum grounds.  The process absolutely made a huge impact on me.  It uncovered the inner child in me and his desire to keep time still so that things don’t change, treasured places remain, and loved one’s don’t grow up or depart from your life.

What the Labryinth experience started to reveal to me is that we all are spreading our life energy across time.  The more we crave, wish, worry, regret, strive, move, and achieve all we are doing is spreading our trail across time.  And in the end all we really want is to be one and whole, yet we see other people, things and events around us moving and changing and we want to chase them back in time and forward in time and it stretches us further and further apart so that as time moves on we get spread thinner and thinner.  For most, maybe all of us, it isn’t until physical death do we get to gather up our entire trail across time.  Time is compressed back into a single point and the trail that was once us is gathered back together as one, we are one again, the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega together as one again.  This is your life flashing before your eyes.  This is the review of your life experience that you will go thru before you can die.

So once again I recognize the need to consider not spreading my trail.  Start raveling in my past, worry not of the future and absolutely savor the present based upon the past special moments I so so so miss.  I want to bring in my entire spirit now spread over 44 years of time back together into the present.  I want to be.

And so I found much of today, me, my mind drifting into beautiful vistas in my memory of beautiful places I’ve been to.  In fact many places of the past are so much more beautiful and precious because they simply do not exist anymore due to the fact they have been destroyed or torn down.  For example I can remember so much more vividly the time I walked on the roof of one of the World Trade Center towers.  It’s more spectacular now than it was back then.  And this is a big key.  In just the same manner you can recall a memory more spectacular and precious than it was when you first experienced it, you can apply that principle right now in the present.  Know this, that this moment where ever you are is so special and precious and many many years from now you will wish you were here.  Know this feeling and starting wishing you were here right now.  And this wishing so badly you were here while actually being here is at least part of what it means to be Now in The Power of Now.  I would probably add start bringing in the past as well and bring back all of your spirit into the present.  Miss yourself no more.

In this state I had noticed one thing, that the having a bright Sun somewhere helps — a lot. And it started to dawn upon me today that I can actually hear the Sun?!  What do I mean?

I mean I remember a year ago I traveled to the Bahamas and it was so so Sunny and I was in my hotel room and when the window was open, even with my eyes closed I could smell, hear and feel tropical paradise. But what was so clear was this sort of background sound, which I think was the sound of the Sun. My best logical explanation for what this sound is, is it’s probably a bit of the heat that the Sun generates on a truly powerfully sunny day.  The heat causes heat waves which can be heard as maybe a soft low frequency continuous thud or distortion that just resonates and permeates all over.  It triggers breezes to come in and if there are trees, birds they are prompted into motion.  If you’re by an ocean the rawnesss of that energy is enhanced with the transition of water waves rippling from a humungous ocean into the land of the shore.  But even if there was no breeze, no ocean, no trees, and nor birds, I swear I can still hear something that is the Sun.  Imagine a scene in your mind at night and now imagine it with a rip roaring Sun.  I don’t know about you but in that imagined scene don’t your hear something different?

And so today as I basked in the present I savored the sound of the Sun. I savored the sound of the Sun now and the Sun in the past in all of those places.  Like a huge symphony across time and space I touch every point of my trail of my spirit across time and space under the loving stare of that familiar Sun, that one thing that quite honestly seems to have stayed the same for as long as I can remember.

So here I am preparing to join the many who are unemployed.  To some extent I guess I feel like a big baby not being to take this so well.  But honestly it feels like I’m dying and everywhere I try I’m only met with huge disappointment.  Yes there are brief moments where I do contemplate suicide a bit.  This coming week I have a job interview to drive to.  The person is really excited to find me, but I’m highly skeptical if this one’s going to come thru.  I’ll be driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge.  I know that on March 16th, 2010 one person parked his car on the Commodore Barry Bridge and was talked out of jumping.  I remember driving past his parked car on the bridge that day.  The next day someone jumped off the Walt Whitman Bridge and died.  So I briefly picture myself parking, but I guess I just wouldn’t have quite the gumption to climb out and jump, or would I?  I mean if you park your car in the middle of the bridge, I wonder how long before police cars swarm on you?  I’d say at least 5 minutes but no more than 15 minutes.  I let the thought go.

A couple of important people in my life mentioned I should take some Vitamin D, worried I was sinking into a depression.  Well lately I’ve been taking a ton of Vitamin D.  I’m taking about 100 capsules a day.  I did wonder a bit if doing this was dangerous but it doesn’t seem to have any ill effect.  But just the same I’m not sure if it’s helping. I also took some pain killers to dampen the pain, but it probably only made me slightly numb.  I only have a couple pills left.  OK I admit it feels a bit reckless, but I’m really really hurting inside more than I can ever remember.

Yesterday I took a seminar teaching skills on grounding my energy so as to help drain the hurt within me.  I learned that I have a tendency to try and suck in energies outside of me to make up for the deficit and hurt that’s in me.  Instead of taking in outside energies to compensate for my pain, I was being taught to visualize connecting my first chakra (base of spine) to the center of the Earth and not attempt to draw-in the energy of the Earth, but merely make the connection.  That sensation of not drawing in the energy of the Earth was agonizing as my insides ached to be healed and nurtured.  I was then instructed to visualize a bright energy above my had, and then allow one sun shine energy above my head drop into my body filling my empty bagged body and around me.  I started to visualize my pains draining into the Earth.  Then I was told to allow a 2nd sun energy fill out my aura, to which I sort of revised a bit  it as hugging me with love.  So after my session I had a fairly good day enjoying the remaining couple of hours of sun light. I was told these sun shines where my personal energy, which is interesting because I would have thought of them being divine energies that were not of me.  If you’ve read some of my description of the Source, this intrigues me.  Because I’ve at times seen the Source as being the center energy source of that which makes Me and now I’m being told that these sources of bright light above my head are also that which makes Me.  And so I’m drawn to ponder about my concepts of hypersheres.

In my concept of hyperspheres if you travel to the center of any point and you implode sort of like a black hole, you will inevitably emerge on some outer edge of the universe.  In other words the outside of a sphere is really kind of like a “moebius strip” connection to the very center of a sphere.  If you implode symmetrically you will be the entire outer sphere showering back towards the center.  If you send all your love and energy towards what you perceive as your center, it’s net effect is to love the universe from the outside in.  If you send love symmetrically outwards from your body to all of the universe the net effect is to love the universe from the inside out and when you “love rays” reach the outer edges of the universe those same “love rays” will emerge from the center of your heart.  If you are slightly less than symmetric in your implosion or explosion then your intention only reaches particular people, places or regions within your body.  So the concept of Me being above my head as sunshine but also Me being from a center within Me made me think a bit of my concept of hyperspheres.

After I was grounded, I can’t say I noticed distinctively that I was “GROUNDED”, but I did notice my taste sensations had shot up.  At the seminar I tasted some of the best tasting chocolates I have ever tasted in my life.  It was like a scene from the movie: “Defending your Life” where someone goes to Judgement City in sort of a partial Heaven world where the food was guaranteed to be the best tasting food you’ve ever tasted and you could eat as much as you want for free and never ever gain weight.  The person orders some eggs at a diner in Judgement city and asks if they are good.  The waitress replies there the best you’ve ever had served just the way you like them.  He orders the eggs and gets them immediately with no wait just the way he likes them. And when he eats them he practically goes into orgasm of taste and exclaims “these are the best damned eggs I’ve ever had”   And so these chocolates were so good that I couldn’t help myself but to grab more and eat more.  These chocolates were Hershey’s!?  I felt just slightly giddy and had some Trader Joe’s brand tea with some plain white sugar and after about the 10th sip I realized WOW this is the best tea I’ve ever tasted. Wow this is good tea! The best I could surmise was that the grounding excercises I had been doing was a powerful way to getting towards being in the Now and present and so being so much more present my appreciation of Now was greater.

But I’m back to today and I’m in pain.  The grounding exercises help only but a little now.  I think it’s because tomorrow is Monday.  I think it’s because I am trying to look and apply for more jobs, but frankly I’m so plain damned tired of looking for jobs.  I really want to give up, accept unemployment and just go down for the count.  “No Mas.  No Mas…!”  “Uncle,  Uncle .. !”

But I have another job interview tomorrow.  And I have only 2 weeks left to land an official offer or I’m unemployed.  And this job interview I have is a bit of a “Hail Mary” attempt because I feel i’ts partly just a way of the person interviewing me just sympathizing with my plight and just being willing to go thru the motions of a job interview and seeing something will happen.  I wonder if I should even bother preparing for this interview.  But frankly I think it doesn’t matter anymore.  What my personal experience has showed me is that you can have the best damned interview you have ever had in your life, poor out your guts in preparation, practically do a song and dance show, be the most qualified person they’ve ever seen, have them show great enthusiasm in hearing about you and have them turn you down feeling like they probably never intended to hire you from the very beginning and find out they rejected all the interviewees and have done so for a long time!  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy applying for jobs that actually don’t exist. So in the end I can get drawn out rejections from hiring managers that realize the job I’ve applied for had long been filled by someone else!  They indirectly blame someone else for not correcting the information, so it’s sort of “oh well, and we’re really quite sorry, hoped it hasn’t inconvenienced you too much, and wish you the best.”