Around 6:00 pm I was preparing to go out to get groceries by myself. The sun was going down and I felt a big loss of energy. In fact everytime I thought of heading out it was like a huge suction of energy, and I really needed to lie down. But there were tinges of a sharpish kind pain in the lower front neck, just below my Adam’s apple and achiness and ichiness in my chest. There was anger there to, like the kind that would make me drive my car into a light pole at full speed. Not that I was that close to doing this. I mean I could have grinned and beared it like most people do and made it thru my day, but I decided to not do this and take my time.

And so I parked in a local shopping strip, shut off the car. And I just focused on being. Yes this was a meditation, but it was mostly just dumbing myself down so thought stopped and I could just be. I allowed myself to just falling into that deep depression state of motionless. Then I ever so slightly wiggled my fingers and toes and allowed whatever sensation from my chest to happen. Only a slight Source sensation, but the fact that I was just being passive was powerful, no focus or intention, just be at the mercy of what ever may happen.

I then started thinking of activities I wanted to do, felt any discomfort and really really sat and held in the feeling and eventually I’d suck in a breath and release in a sigh with each sigh a release of another blockage. I started to think of the upcoming days and my fears and was a bit surprised to uncover some angers there too. I sat and followed the pain in it’s sweetest spot, not letting myself slide away. My body would naturally or rather spontaneously suck in and release in a sigh. This sigh is like the sigh and shudder a child would have after completing a very heavy and exhausting crying episode.

Each time I got my attention back to the present I felt better. I felt that angry child emerge and suddenly thought of that bottle of pain killers I wanted to overdose on.

I talked to that child within with words like: “Why would you want to do this from your anger. What would you really want? Love and acknowledgement perhaps?” I talked to that child with words of: “I can give you much better than what overdosing would do. You don’t need to hurt yourself to get my love and attention. Let me give it to you now.”

I was better, less alone. Like a best friend was sitting with me and walking with me. So I entered a local Panara Bread store better, got a coffee, and just felt like an “ordinary” lackluster person just doing, nothing more or less. It was OK.

I love myself. I do I do.

« »