So last week I finished my first year of BBSH (Barbara Brennan School of Healing). There’s a concept that all students are familiar with and that is the concept of contraction following a full week of emersion in the immensely healing and supportive template of the students and teachers at the school.  Each week back I’d say my contractions have been easier, so I was sort of expecting this time back from the final week of school would have been a breeze.  So like an over confident student I sauntered from school, to a plane back to Delaware, and right back into days of intense business meetings.  And I almost danced right thru it and then I got a sucker punch in an email from one of my several bosses at work.  I mean objectively it wasn’t that bad, but I still couldn’t help feel ashamed and defeated. Well to be deeply honest, I felt really ashamed, defeated and even quite scared.

The timing seemed to come out of nowhere.  And in the end because of the manner it came so unexpectedly and almost didn’t seem to make sense, it also seemed to have an element of divine intervention.  Like this was yet again a well timed poke at me using just the right words to feed into the critical voices in me that conclude that I am a “bad person”

It is very interesting all the subtle avenues to sucker punch me into that “bad person” feeling.  If someone said “I’m really angry with you Wilson”  That’s one thing.  But when someone applies some kind of social label to what I did it becomes elevated to a higher standard.  If you label me “rude” or just “inappropriate” it feels no longer the mere opinion of one person, but rather a fact based upon all of humanity.  At least that’s how I take it in emotionally.  So if you don’t tell me your emotions but instead label my actions as “rude”, “immoral”, “inappropriate”, “disgusting”, “dishonorable”, “most disappointing”, “subpar” then it’s like God declaring me “bad” and abandoning me.  These are indirect sucker punches that to me say “you’re bad” and for me that’s often too painful to exist.

And so this past week back home in Delaware has been about realizing that I actually have been weathering a storm.  I just didn’t realize it until I got a sucker punch that’s making me really feel bad and lacking as a decent human being.

So far what has helped is, of course, the memory of my experiences at BBSH and all those so many cherished class mates who forever stunned me over and over again with expressions of unbelievable acceptance and approval.  Namaste, Namaste, Namaste, Shey – Shey, Shey – Shey,  Gracious, Mucho Gracious, Thank you, Thank You, is all I can say for the gift of seeing me once more.  I must admit right now I’m having difficulty seeing me again, but the evidence and data locked in too many brain cells are now too well intrenched. And they all sing for me.

And so even beyond the gift of those memories and the many more I hope to meet with, there still remains this pain of “I’m bad” “I’m scared”  and then the more adult persona that hides words of “I’m bad” with “I’m OK, I’m a grown up, but I should have done this better.  That was a poor performance thing you did.  Such a disappointment”.  And so with this complex dynamic of voices, opinions and emotions all stirring up underneath an adult ego shell of me pretending to look “OK I’m fine” in this every day world, I can only do one thing.

Accept them all.  I accept you voice that says “I’m bad”  I accept you critical voices that say “I should have …. or I shouldn’t of …”  Come out complain, criticize, blame, cry and speak your peace over and over again as much as you want.  I love you and accept you.  Come out all you dark, rejected, lost and forgotten aspects of me come out, I love you especially, because you have come out.  I love you all because you exist.  The ones that have done shameful things, think shameful thoughts, feel shameful emotions, act so less than what is expected of you, have or are failing, have or are becoming a big disappointment,  I love you especially most because you have spoken up or have come out and have asked to be seen.

Come now, Come now. I love you.  Come in my arms.  Let me Love you.  You are all so so so So especially precious.

And so in this place of integrated self love of all the parts of me.  I stand vulnerable, weak, but able to watch a future that might scare me, like watching a gigantic Tsumani wave a thousand feet high coming towards me ready to wipe me away.  I am powerless to defend.  Yet all is well.  I love you all.  I hear voices cry “I’m scared, I’m scared” and then I say to that voice “Oh so dear voice I love you, come here let me hold you!”  I will be with you all the way.


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