A few weeks ago I had a very relaxing time on a cruise to Bermuda.  I came to really appreciate the times I had alone in my cabin, lying on the bed, just staring out at the beautiful sky, clouds, sunshine and ocean.  The ship was always gently swaying, and I just did not feel like moving.  And then there were moments of touching the Source within my heart and I was in bliss.  Just thinking of that moment now I’m in bliss and almost want to stop writing.

🙂   …………………………………………………………………………………………. 🙂

But I really wanted to write about the undercurrents of something very bothersome, while I was in Bermuda.  I really could’t quite place it with my mind, but I could certainly feel in my heart.  I think that this blissful time, space and opportunity allowed me to unfold more, which was good.  But in the unfolding I think some suppressed emotions of anger, resentment, and even fury were starting to get a chance to loosen and stir up.  These were old and stale emotions very divorced from the facts of the past that created them.  So I could find myself in the emotional state of feeling bothered, annoyed, or angry and not be able to offer an explanation.  I mean I could use my logic and force out a logical explanation and say something like I’m angry because ” … I was deeply betrayed when … ” or  ” …. they were so mean and cruel to me back when … ” .   But no worded logical explanation seemed right.  The most accurate statement was I was experiencing unsettling of pure emotions and that’s all.

My unsettling emotions were a bit like the emotions of a child’s temper tantrum.  It’s sort of like the following kind of conversation.

“Hi Honey.  Do you want some ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“But you like ice cream”

Child: “No!”

“Do you not want ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“Do you want to talk?”

Child: “No!”

“So you do not want to talk?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

“What’s bothering you?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

So that about describes my under current of this emotional crabbiness.  There’s no reasoning.  Well the adult me could chose to reason things out, but I recognize that reasoning is really ignoring and not listening to the child.  And so I’ve dared myself to just sit and sulk into that child and voice and “feel” whatever he says or doesn’t say. There is no semblance of logical talk, just the honesty of the emotions that make perfect sense without the need for words.  That in these deeper lower emotions words only distort things.

In Bermuda I was allowed to cook in this stew of feeling bothered.  It wasn’t until my drive back home from my vacation that the unleashed emotions started to flare up further into life.  It was clear that there was inner turmoil.  There were parts of me at odds with each other.

During the weeks that followed I have become more aware of my crabbiness and I have chosen to observe it, in amazement.  There’s been more than one occasion that I’ve said to myself: “Wow you are one mean, angry and crabby person … I wouldn’t want to hang around you.”  and another voice within might say “Fuck off!”  And I’d be amazed. “Whoa!”  I found myself less concerned of what other people might think of me.  Yes you might not like me anymore, but it is what it is.

I found myself really intrigued with myself.  This was not like me.  It’s almost like I was observing myself saying: “Who is this person?”  But rather than trying to pull myself together and pull myself back into line, I chose to sulk, be bitter, and be uncooperative.  I gave myself more time to sink deeper into emotions and could really feel the boil.  And in this boiling state I found myself angry and not wanting to be around some people that love me.

And then here’s where the turmoil kicked in.  At the same time I did not want to be around some people, I could simultaneously disparately crave closer intimacy with them.  It makes no sense, but is so familiar in a vague way.  At times it was like I was saying: “Hey you, I couldn’t give a damn if you never come back; just make sure you’re back in time for dinner”  … “I hate you, go away, leave me alone but don’t be out long and come back soon.”

“Hi Honey; do you want company?”

Child: “No.”

“So do you want to be left alone?”

Child: “No.”

. . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . .

And then I hear one more expression

Child: “I just want to be loved.”

Wow. Hmm?  And I’m back in amazement of these complex inner voices that make up me. And so this is the crux of my current crabby state of me that’s not supposed to be like me, but really is me.  This is crabby state uncovered and released to me by a beautiful relaxing time alone in long states of bliss rocking gently in cruise ship to and from Bermuda.

It’s all OK.


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