Last night I went with Virginia to visit her family and her in-laws. Something about the visit was troubling. I thought to myself Id rather be meditating, trying to connect with the Source. I took a critical look at myself and thought that I was probably behaving slightly anti-social. I tended to end my conversations shortly, and I didnt do my best to keep the conversation flowing. So at first I wondered if I was just being a negative person, a sour puss, a fuddy-duddy. But I also had to respect that something inside of me wanted to be in a more spiritual state and the atmosphere seemed very non-spiritual. Understand that I have a specific understanding of what it means to be spiritual (see ) and upto now I only thought of the functional aspect of spirituality and not the aesthetic aspect of spirituality.

I think of spirituality as a practice of seeking and fulfilling your souls purpose and your soul being your spiritual contract that attract events in your life to complete the terms of that contract (read more in the book “Spirituality for Real”). But I de-emphasized the aethetics. By aesthetics I mean that one will tend to perceive a man dressed in a bhuddist robe as more spiritual than a man in a designer suit. At first it sounds like Im judging a book by its cover. However, there is definitely something less distracting to an earnest quest to find your souls purpose when you are dressed simply and you act harmoniously with your surroundings instead of trying to stand out or show off. When the energy is filled with attempts to look good, to not look bad, to get envied by others, its all very superficial and I feel that a superficial environment ungrounds you, drains your energy, and deters the search for purpose; it is “non spiritual”.

So what was bothering me in the presence of last nights gathering was the superficiality. Things that stuck out were empty statements like someone saying “you are welcome to stop by our home anytime,” when in actuality the message was “we don’t mind if you come, but only under special circumstances because otherwise it’s going to be awkward for us.” Then someone made the comment to my widowed Mother-in-law of how all she needed to do is find a “sugar daddy” so she could ask for things like jewelry to make her happy.  My sister-in-law chimed in, “what you mean, I could use a sugar daddy too”  Then others kind of chimed in with approving chuckles.

Last nights superficiality triggered a former wound of superficiality a few days earlier only I didn’t know it was a wound until last night.  On Christmas day Virginia, my brother and myself were watching a Chinese martial arts romance movie.  The movie was sort of a Romeo and Juliet kind of movie with the two lovers being lead super fighters from rival clans.  The movie trying to highlight the true power of love.  There is this one scene were the leading woman asks the leading man “what will you do when my hair turns grey?  Will you still love me.”  The man responds with something like “Don’t worry.  When you’re hair turns grey.  I will find the drink of immortality for you and your hair will turn back.”  The woman responds with overjoy and the bond for love is sealed.  I’m thinking is something wrong here?!  Are people not aware of how superficial things are?!  So this movie planted a wound in me I guess.  And it was really noticeable last night.

All I know is that I’ve become more and more emotional about non spiritual conducive activities.  It’s becoming something that I’m less able to ignore because it starts to make me feel sick to the point that death starts to look attractive.  It’s rather hard to get superficial in death, it’s real and it’s direct.  When people witness death and ask why do bad things have to happen I think the fact that death is something you can not deny, that it’s so real, and so direct is one reason why death exists.  The statement “why do bad things have to happen to me?” is in a way a statement of “why can’t I just continue in my superficial life with lessening meaning and purpose?  I just want to be comfortable, I don’t want purpose.”

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