SunThruTreeI was attending a  workshop where the main speaker gave a talk about getting to higher consciousness.  When that happened I felt a bit of angst of superiority/inferiority complexes churning thru my heart and head. I heard inner critic voices of “I’m better then him” and then my counter inner critic going to me “that’s not very spiritual sounding” And then the voice of “I’m humble, ordinary and that’s why I’m better …. I don’t have an ego”  But the statement of pride around not having an ego was ego.

So I just had to accept my ego gets flared by someone I might encounter who is in a position I believe I should be.  And I just accepted and allowed my ego to flare while I observed and while I just felt it as it is anyway it wants.  I allowed myself to feel the pain of my ego feeling inferior because I was  just like the bunch of others in the crowd listening to this speaker. I was becoming just another audience member captive to this one speaker [Although another part of me would say I WAS NOT CAPTIVATED.  HE SAID EVERYTHING I ALREADY KNEW.  I AM NOT just another person in the audience! ]

So what does feeling out my ego have to do with connecting with the Source.  So I haven’t talked about the Source in a long time.  But last night I started feeling into that tender place in my heart area to feel that Source.  And when I touched into that pain resulting from my ego flaring up and feeling “not enough” while I was simultaneously touching into the Source, I felt the areas of ego pain themselves seemingly turn into cracks and entry points themselves to the Source.  I felt expanded euphoria almost like I was about to die … which then was admittedly a bit scary so I pulled it in a bit.   But it is now a learning for me on a deepening more meaningful bringing on of the Source.  Even more important it is a new perspective on pain; so possibly I can examine my inner pains with a bit more openness and witness how that pain is actually an entry point to tremendous spaciousness, easiness and pleasure.

I love you.

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