So a for the past few weeks I’ve been spending a day here or there celebrating my birthday.  Sometimes it was with loved ones who were there specifically to celebrate my birthday and sometimes with people who didn’t know they was even a celebration going on, a sort of incognito celebration under the guise of a normal get together.

A few days ago I celebrated with family.  It was almost a month belated, but I don’t think I cared that much.  I think if anything it was for me not a gathering of loved ones to celebrate my birthday, but the use of my birthday as a reason for us to get together.  It was a low key celebration, no singing, just the wonderful presence of people I so love.  But somehow love so much more than I can ever remember, no matter if they are in a good mood or nasty mood.

I remember sitting in my house; I’m sitting on a couch, my dog’s eyes light up as she see’s me and climbs up to sit on my lap.  My dog is listening eagerly to piano playing and singing.  My wife singing to my left my brother singing lightly on my right and I’m feeling … oh my God I’m so happy … this is so simple at ease and yet so “I love you all for just being here … I love you all … like sipping the precious rare essence of each moment of life.”  It doesn’t get any better than this.

I flash back several days even earlier when I was a listening to a “Higher Consciousness” guru giving a talk causing my envy and ego to flare up.  I couldn’t help notice the reason I believe I went to see this guru was simply because I loved him … I had some knowledge of the hardships in his child hood and I cared for him and I almost felt I was there to support him.  The speaker had a few assistants helping that I recognized from a prior engagement several years ago.  They didn’t recognize me and I didn’t bother introducing myself.  I only watched them … and I think I loved them.  They were really trying their best to help out their boss (the guru).

People in the audience were asking the “Higher Consciousness” guru his opinion and wisdom.  And I found myself not daring to ask him any questions … mostly because I was so afraid I’d stump him … I’d embarrass him.  Admittedly he was behaving rather arrogantly even kind of behaving like an “ass”, but I couldn’t help but love him.  This was just one more example in my memory of me just more feeling the oh so great vulnerability and tenderness behind the hard, snide veil of an unfriendly face.  And when I feel that, I so deeply love you despite how nasty you may treat me and how you may push me away.

Flash back even further I visit my father a few days after my actual birthday.  It’s an unscheduled visit I make. The conversation starts out a bit stilted but underneath it all it’s all so very loving and cordial.  We sit and chat and occasionally just stay silent.  He informally mentions he’s picking up a sandwich as the local Subway and would I be interested in splitting it because it’s usually too big.  I recognize it as an indirect invitation filled with lots of missing, lots of love and the vulnerability of possible rejection if I were to reply with a “no thanks … I have to get going”.

So I say YES.  And I ride out with him to the local Subway and he tells me to order what I want while he orders something different.  I have to say eating a Sub at the local Subway with my Dad felt like one of the best birthday gifts I ever had. And he didn’t know we were celebrating my birthday.  I didn’t know I was celebrating my birthday with him.  It just happened.  And I loved it.  I was so happy.  I loved him.  I loved the ambiance.  I  loved the moment. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Fast forward to the present as I’m writing this entry.  I’ve come back from a short jog on a chilly Sunday morning.  The Sun is gleaming like it always has.  My dog is back on the couch staring out the window.  I know I’m behind on a bunch of work for the coming weak and I’m procrastinating.  I have to prepare for the arrival of a guest.  There is substantial amount of stress within me, but I only feel it faintly.  It’s like for the moment that stress is suspended somewhere outside of me in some “virtual space” where I know it’s there but it doesn’t overwhelm me.  I’m too preoccupied for the moment trying to express how wonderfully happy.

But as I feel that happiness I also try not to show it too much lest I jinx it.  Possibly someone else will start criticizing me for me for being lazy or not doing enough, since if I did enough I wouldn’t have enough time to be so happy.  But even if someone dealt me that kind of criticism, there is  a part of me has already permanently changed.  That part of me connects to my heart, to the heart of the other and to your heart.  Despite how you may treat me, despite how much you may hate me, it’s true under that exposure I may crumble, but I still love you for you … I don’t know quite why … I just do.

I love you.

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