Touch the Source

The opening for child to separate from ego occurs upon failure

When you praise in light of a child’s success, achievment, or accomplishment you support the ego part of self esteem.

When you can praise in failure you support self esteem without ego. Pure self esteem is feeling worth just because you exist and most especially when you struggle, flub up, screw up major time. You are seen so beautiful in the process of failure. Your inner beauty shines so brightly in failure, in the genuine fighting, the humility,the threshold of secumbing to the realization of total hopelessness and failure. When this is seen and you are seen and cheered and praised then their is pure self esteem without ego. Because you are loved just because you exist, and even more loved because you failed! You are loved mostly because you are a nobody.

The Law of Attraction does not explain the sucker punch. This is when your energy is riding high from an experience that exceeded your expectations. You are almost euphoric and you get a wakeup call sucker punch that brings you back down.

Last week I was riding on a high when someone called me up about a job as a Program Manager, basically a job where I’d be managing other managers.  I definitely thought this was a bit too much of a stretch for me, so I was surprised to get a phone call from someone interested in me.  They described all the stresses and high expectations from this position and somehow I spoke up and sold myself well enough that the person thought that although this was a stretch for me, my enthusiasm and sales pitch indicate I could pull it off.

A few days later I attended a LOA (Law of Attraction) seminar with lots of emphasis on maintaining positive imagery along with neutral emotions around the outcome.  The overall point was to maintain a net positive “vibration” so as to attract positive outcomes.  Well I was riding on an all time high: very positive and not fearing outcomes, because I fully expected positive outcomes.

So today I had the official interview fully expecting good outcomes.  I was taken off guard when I was met with less than enthusiastic emotions.  In fact I got back lots of skepticism.  And so I was asked to sell myself again, and as I spoke about my proudest moments, I got back silence.  They were not impressed.  In fact all my proudest moments and best accomplishments seemed to turn into negative points because they all seemed to typecast me as a computer programmer and not a manager.  And so the more they asked me to sell myself, I started to fumble and trip up more.  I felt sort of humiliated.  But one saving grace is that they had to cut my interview short due to another work emergency, and so they rescheduled me for a 2nd interview to try again.

So according to LOA

At this time I also tried to call someone else about another job that I did spectacular well in the interviewing process.  I was so sure I would have an offer by today, but every time I called for the status I got only the voice mail and no return phone calls.  It’s like they were intentionally avoiding me.

According to LOA principles I was vibrating positivity big time, and then I had an outcome I was not prepared at all.  I was sucker punched.  It’s the lack of encompassing the truth and purpose of negative energy where the LOA fails.  In fact the LOA focus on positive energy I believe probably will only yield satisfactory effectiveness in your life about 50% of the time.  LOA also completely does not address self Love, which by the way involves an acceptance of negativity as well as positivity.

I had to heal myself.  So I found a quiet sanctuary and I dug down deep to feel my saddest emotions of frustration and fear.  I wanted to see if I could pull out that crying child from within and what came forward was this image of me hugging myself as I was lying down on the floor with my anguished face buried in a pillow.  And I was saying to myself “you are so beautiful in your vulnerability! I saw how you were struggling, desparate and trying so hard to be honest, to honor your fears, to hold it together somewhat. So loveable and endearing you are. I have never seen someone try so hard.  I love you so much Wilson”

I just went thru the a layoff presentation and it was so sobering.  It was just me alone in a conference room listening to a presentation over a computer and conference phone.  A bit like the scenes in the movie “Up in the Air” only I got to choose where to took the pain.

My gut feels weak.  It just felt like a presentation of death.  Significant talk of trying to worry about what happens or what could go wrong after you die. I could almost here my Mom talking to me and thinking death has it’s benefits.  You don’t have to worry about money coverage, you don’t need money, food or medical benefits.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed with the New Orleans trip! This is nuts!  I just need time away for myself!  I should look for an apartment in Wilmington or discuss pet stay with Quality Inn at $800/month.

I’m feeling paralyzed at the moment! I recall all of the talk of importance of taking certain actions at the time you get in you mid to upper 60’s.  All of this is already at 100% of my ability.  I can only imagine that by the time I’m in my 60’s all this stuff will be insurmountable to comprehend, and by that time things will probably be completely different.

I do miss never land! I’m devastated again.

The song “Goodbye Neverland” recorded by Automatic Loveletter rings strongly within me.

Spending time in the Sun with my dog, Muffin has been helpful. When I get to a nice clean grassy field, watch my little white dog saunter amongst some butterflies amongst purple clover flowers and then roll on into the grass with a passion it brings out that smile within.  So good.  I just want to stay still and be and soak in the sun while my dog teaches me to just be.

She found two tennis balls and started bringing them over to me to throw them.  It was fun seeing her have fun.

And then I sat in the grass next to her.  And then I closed my eyes a bit and just soakd in the warm sun.  The sky rather blue.  The air rather crisp.  My heart starting to sing.  So nice.  I just wanted to be stay and be in this moment for as long as possible.

You see this moment is what I call the Source.  I stress I am not trying to pawn off a new religion or belief.  The Source is NOT something new that I want to prostelyze upon you, it’s just a being.  It’s like trying to prostelyze being HAPPY.  Only here I don’t use HAPPY, because the Source seems so much more than the word HAPPY.  It’s more like Wooaaah Man!  Wow. Ahhhhh!.  And when you’re in it you have nothing to say, because nothing you can say describes it, except just this undeniable smile within and maybe the sense that you dare not budge an inch, lest you lose that Zone of being in the Source.

I selected the above photo to show you how the Source feels.  But it’s more than just sunlight. It’s how I see the sunlight not directly, but in the glint of the periphery combined with the warmth.  It’s the glancing in the corner so that at times it diffracts into colors, the actual direct sun being so so bright.

But more than just the sunlight it feels like the sunlight from within the heart.  The aahhh ecstasy and brilliancy of love.  Let me show it for example in the following photo with my wife.

And with another shot many years ago with my dog.

So maybe this time all I can impart is that being in the Sun, lends a lot to being able to making that entrance into the Source.  And once you get a good load of soaking in the Source, you can carry it through the night.  For how long though I don’t know.