Touch the Source

So I had a brief experience while I was in the middle of exercising on an elliptical machine in the middle of a gym.  I was feeling kind of worn out, like someone whose been thru so much battle, sleep deprivation, terror, hardship.  I was slugging it out on a machine somewhat willing myself to continue with a routine to keep up my cardio-vascular wellness and try to possibly lose more weight for better health, but I was also trying my best to be kind to myself,

The gym plays music loudly over the loudspeakers and the beat is bumping along.  First I push along with the combination of handles and my feet.  Then I take my hand off the moving handles of the elliptical machine.  I somewhat subtilely wave my hands just a bit to the beat of the music, and I sort of almost slightly dance.  There’s an older man to my left on his elliptical machine moving at a much more frail pace and now I’m energized.  My elbow is feeling a bit week and sore.  My right knee feels a bit week yet I’m almost bopping to the beat.

And … I see myself …

and I take my breath away.

I see a joyful beautiful female energy but with grand depth of masculine.  Possibly like a joyful and strong Joan of Arch architype.

Wow.  Such a fighter.  But such an optimistic fighter.  Keeps coming back despite so so so so so so so so much hardship, terror, and exhaustion.  This tour de force of angelic brilliant optimistic steadfast beauty is a light so much more brilliant than even my so dear passed dog Muffin.  I mean Muffin was an energetic dynamo of positivity so that I had always saw her as the one who was picking me up from depression.  But for these few minutes on an elliptical machine I could see this brilliant powerful and grand light source was thousands of times stronger than that of Muffin’s.  Wow!  And I could then imagine that Muffin was so attracted to this light and she couldn’t help but get all excited and crave and lick and lick with her butterfly kisses endlessly. Could it be it was my light that was actually picking her up?!

This brilliant light beyond what I could have ever imagined … was me!  It was coming out of my heart.  And I don’t know really if I can describe how powerful this light was.  It’s not that it was the most intense physical light your eyes may see … although I guess it was quite bright.  It’s more if you let your heart feel just a bit you could sense the integrity, the depth, the truth, the experience of so many ages.  This light had  the solidity of having gone thru the journey of much tremendous hardship but had always kept coming back and to still yet come out bopping to music even while in the middle of a depressing bog.  I am chugging away on what could be a boring elliptical machine, and I’m listening often repeated recorded music.  Despite a stressful work week filled with exhausting challenges and despite the initial desire to sleep-in more rather than exercise, I manage to bop to the beat, bring some fun into it.

I could start to see the possibility of how there are so many others that when they encounter me see something special.  They see something way more special about me then I have been able to see.

I see that positive force of grandeur and beautiful person that I might have always wished I could have gotten a chance to hang out with.  But I’m not hanging out with that person.  I am that person!  And furthermore I am much more grand than I could have imagined that person could be.

And I could believe I could see that in all others.  But for this time the Sun within me is so big, grand and bright.  Come join me and bop away to the music. Left, Right, Left, Right.  One Two,  One Two, One Two.  Life can be very hard, terrifying and uncomfortable but still can you dare find space to have fun and Dance Dance Dance!

I think as I’ve become older I’ve felt more and more vulnerable to the fear of “being in trouble”.  I guess it’s because I’m a bit more frail physically, I’m more likely to be unemployed due to my age, and so I maybe feel the world less forgiving of any mistakes I may make.  I’ve acquired more and have more to lose.  I feel more exposed to deadlines of electing my medical insurance in time, disputing denied coverage, filing taxes, checking that I don’t have outstanding bills as a result of a credit card or banking snafu, checking that nothing fishy is happening with my life’s savings from identify theft,  making sure my car inspection is OK,  not letting my Project Management certification expire,  making sure I don’t forget some key governance step within the projects I manage for my employer.  There’s a sense within of me of “better not forget to do this or else..”  … Or else you’ll be in trouble,  or else you might be get in trouble with the authorities … or else you might forfeit …. or else you might die.

I recall various points in my life hearing about someone getting abruptly and quietly removed from the company I worked for due to some unethical activity.  When I was younger I just kind of thought:  “wow that was a bad thing that person did, I wondered only briefly why they did what they did and it didn’t give it much more thought as it seemed no where close to the realm of my personal world”.  But now I feel beyond the act and feel more about the humanity of that person.

More recently I read in the news about an employee in my current company that got caught stealing some information.  Sure that was illegal, but I think more about the person.  How terrible must they be feeling?  Will they ever be able to earn a living again?  What kind of terror they must have felt?  What humiliation they must have felt?

I recall some people I grew up as a child with and at least two as adults kind of made local headlines and ultimately got arrested and are serving time in prison.  How terrible must they be feeling?  Will they ever be able to earn a living again?  What shame must they feel?  There’s a sense as I feel into their situation and imagine I’m in their shoes of “I just wish I could disappear, curl up in a dark corner and die, never to be seen again”

And these are the feelings I feel more and more.  Ever since I was laid off my previous job,  ever since my long loved dog died,  ever since I’ve come to realize uncles, aunts, my parent approaching a time where they will die,  ever sense I felt more of my physical limitations encroaching upon me with every year of aging I feel those same feelings.  I feel more wanting to be forgiving of others as well as myself.

I definitely see it played out in the 2016 presidential election race.  I can see Hillary Clinton representing all those somewhat not quite so proud and maybe even embarrassing things we have done in the past.  The same holds for Donald Trump.  I can see more of the so so so many people that are imprisoned.  I can remember a boy that I mentored when I was in the Big Brothers Organization and how he shared his father was in prison and how in his world having a father who wasn’t there and was in and out of prison wasn’t unusual.

I see less of a world in a black and white view of most of us “good” people surrounded by the a few “bad” people that belong in prison.  I see past that and see just all of humanity as imperfect human beings with many parts of their lives struggling and feeling disillusioned, betrayed, abandoned, forgotten, and unaccepted for who they are as human beings.

I can see that the one who blames the other, who so righteously casts the first stone is most likely feeling just as guilty and horrified about some small dark corner about themselves.

In the end I come back to my original Christian roots and concept of God and understand that this God created all of us with all our frailties and imperfections and pensions to do “bad”  Could it perhaps be that the so many bad things we do as humans aren’t quite as bad as we all believe?  Let’s not so much look at the shame and horror of the act itself and let’s start to judge “bad or good” by one to one relationships with every individual … and then let’s let our heart judge it by how we loving to ourselves and to others.

I mean I think all of our hearts can sense what seems like a “bad” thing to the extent of how it may cause harm and hurt to others in the context of love.  Our hearts can sense non loving actions, actions of coldness, cruelty, betrayal, abandonment, intentional hurting and forgetting.  And if I think if we can stop more there …  by the standard of how loving we are towards each other, then our sense of “bad” will guide us to show kindness and caring to others in just the right manner, that is just right, even if no one else ever witnesses the act of kindness, even if according to the principals of a righteous “enforcer of law or ethics” it might not quite fit.

God created even those who are in prison.  God loves all those who are in prison.  God created those who have killed. Note that so many killers have been judged by man as good for killing those who are judged bad.  God loves those killers who are judged good and those who are judged bad because they were all his children.  Are we more and more conscious of the fact that the idea of “good killing off evil” is a sham.  Those who are killing us quite possibly view us as the bad and are feeling like they are the good killers and we are the bad killers.  An eye for an eye only makes he whole world blind.

And so I’m feeling so much more forgiving to others.  It’s not so much because I’m feeling the need or ability to aspire to be a saint to be more like Jesus.  No it’s more about the need to be more forgiving and compassionate to myself.  Because with increasing age, I have increasing history of things I might have wanted to hide, and I have increasing awareness of maybe wanting to explore and do things I might always have wanted to do but was afraid to have tried.

In all these scenarios where there is a fear that drives me to want to hide or not try is something deeper.  That something deeper is the fear of the “what if.”  What if I fail in a particular way?  What if I get fired?  What if I look like a fool or maybe in someone else’s mind I look bad?  What if I look like the biggest disappointment? What if I go broke and lose my house?  What if loved one’s and the rest of my family becomes ashamed of me and distances themselves from me?  What if I’m homeless and live on the streets?  And what if I have to steal for food, and sell my soul to survive?  And what if I end up in prison? Will you still love me?

It all comes back to will I still love me?  Can I forgive me? … because in the end it’s only me that will best understand the particular circumstances and struggles that I faced on my journey that brings me to where I am right now.  And I understand to get to that place I simultaneously start to understand that I also want to still love you despite what you’ve done. That I want to forgive you, because I can so much believe you have had good reasons to do  what you did because of the particular circumstances and struggles you faced on your journey.  I want to forgive you even if what you decided to do was a bad choice, even if it seems like a downright malicious and uncaring choice against me.

I believe you entirely.  Why? … because you hold a particular membership card and certification that vouches for you. That membership card and certification is the fact you are human.  So if I ask you why you did this? or why you didn’t do this? … in an accusatory way you can respond because

“I’m human”

and I can hopefully remember who I am and say “Oh yes.  That’s right.  OK.  Yes you’re part of the human club.  Say no more.  That explains it.  You are excused.  I forgive you.  I love you. Namaste brave human.  You have a hard road.  Be on you way”

I Love you

I am Sorry

Please Forgive Me

Thank You

So I woke up in the middle of the night and had a sensation unlike any other.  I felt my Mother in me.  And I’m not saying a memory of my Mom, or the sense of my Mom inside of my heart.  It was more like the DNA in my cells were in resonance with the knowing of the common DNA in my Mother who had passed away over 10 years ago.  It was also like the higher self aspect of my Mother was surrounding my body as I laid in bed, coddling me as I regressed back to a 5 year old getting younger.  I could hear the breath, thoughts and talk of my Mom back to me but also to herself as if I was also herself as if I were also her.  And the sense and words were something like:

“Wilson Everything is OK.  Yes things are not quite what we/I had originally expected 20 years ago, but it is OK.  I’m OK with how things are.  I am with you.  In fact I am you.  I am still alive because you are still alive.  You are not alone.  We are one.  You will be OK.  And you know you are OK.  And you know that what you say is true, what I say is true and what we say is true.”

I can remember times that I missed my Mother, but with this sensation I didn’t miss her because I really felt in a way I was her.  My fears, and insecurities belonged to her and live thru me and over the past few years of my life have been getting healed and transformed thru me, thru my body.  My hands feel like her hands, like as if she were a spirit just now awakening in a new body feeling skin for the first time since she passed away many years ago.  But it’s NOT like another spirit within me, because that sensation would be more icky and invasive like a possession.  Here it was more of a new found deep becoming of the fact that she is factually part of me largely by virtue of our common DNA.

But just the same this sensation was also not mere intellectual justification that common DNA breaths the life of ancestral past into the present now.  It is rather a mind blowing experience but at the same time also not amazing and even ordinary knowing/believing that my Mom still lives.  She permeates my cells, my thoughts or rather she is my cells and my thoughts and my cells and thoughts were also once hers.  So in the end I don’t miss my Mom, because there is nothing to be missed.  I miss her no more than I miss having my skin.  My skin is always there with me, and I can never misplace or lose my skin, because my skin is me.  And so it is also with this sense of Mom.

I don’t know if tomorrow and days to follow I will have this sense and knowing, but I record it now in this blog entry so that if I look back I can know that at least once in time this was so.

So a for the past few weeks I’ve been spending a day here or there celebrating my birthday.  Sometimes it was with loved ones who were there specifically to celebrate my birthday and sometimes with people who didn’t know they was even a celebration going on, a sort of incognito celebration under the guise of a normal get together.

A few days ago I celebrated with family.  It was almost a month belated, but I don’t think I cared that much.  I think if anything it was for me not a gathering of loved ones to celebrate my birthday, but the use of my birthday as a reason for us to get together.  It was a low key celebration, no singing, just the wonderful presence of people I so love.  But somehow love so much more than I can ever remember, no matter if they are in a good mood or nasty mood.

I remember sitting in my house; I’m sitting on a couch, my dog’s eyes light up as she see’s me and climbs up to sit on my lap.  My dog is listening eagerly to piano playing and singing.  My wife singing to my left my brother singing lightly on my right and I’m feeling … oh my God I’m so happy … this is so simple at ease and yet so “I love you all for just being here … I love you all … like sipping the precious rare essence of each moment of life.”  It doesn’t get any better than this.

I flash back several days even earlier when I was a listening to a “Higher Consciousness” guru giving a talk causing my envy and ego to flare up.  I couldn’t help notice the reason I believe I went to see this guru was simply because I loved him … I had some knowledge of the hardships in his child hood and I cared for him and I almost felt I was there to support him.  The speaker had a few assistants helping that I recognized from a prior engagement several years ago.  They didn’t recognize me and I didn’t bother introducing myself.  I only watched them … and I think I loved them.  They were really trying their best to help out their boss (the guru).

People in the audience were asking the “Higher Consciousness” guru his opinion and wisdom.  And I found myself not daring to ask him any questions … mostly because I was so afraid I’d stump him … I’d embarrass him.  Admittedly he was behaving rather arrogantly even kind of behaving like an “ass”, but I couldn’t help but love him.  This was just one more example in my memory of me just more feeling the oh so great vulnerability and tenderness behind the hard, snide veil of an unfriendly face.  And when I feel that, I so deeply love you despite how nasty you may treat me and how you may push me away.

Flash back even further I visit my father a few days after my actual birthday.  It’s an unscheduled visit I make. The conversation starts out a bit stilted but underneath it all it’s all so very loving and cordial.  We sit and chat and occasionally just stay silent.  He informally mentions he’s picking up a sandwich as the local Subway and would I be interested in splitting it because it’s usually too big.  I recognize it as an indirect invitation filled with lots of missing, lots of love and the vulnerability of possible rejection if I were to reply with a “no thanks … I have to get going”.

So I say YES.  And I ride out with him to the local Subway and he tells me to order what I want while he orders something different.  I have to say eating a Sub at the local Subway with my Dad felt like one of the best birthday gifts I ever had. And he didn’t know we were celebrating my birthday.  I didn’t know I was celebrating my birthday with him.  It just happened.  And I loved it.  I was so happy.  I loved him.  I loved the ambiance.  I  loved the moment. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Fast forward to the present as I’m writing this entry.  I’ve come back from a short jog on a chilly Sunday morning.  The Sun is gleaming like it always has.  My dog is back on the couch staring out the window.  I know I’m behind on a bunch of work for the coming weak and I’m procrastinating.  I have to prepare for the arrival of a guest.  There is substantial amount of stress within me, but I only feel it faintly.  It’s like for the moment that stress is suspended somewhere outside of me in some “virtual space” where I know it’s there but it doesn’t overwhelm me.  I’m too preoccupied for the moment trying to express how wonderfully happy.

But as I feel that happiness I also try not to show it too much lest I jinx it.  Possibly someone else will start criticizing me for me for being lazy or not doing enough, since if I did enough I wouldn’t have enough time to be so happy.  But even if someone dealt me that kind of criticism, there is  a part of me has already permanently changed.  That part of me connects to my heart, to the heart of the other and to your heart.  Despite how you may treat me, despite how much you may hate me, it’s true under that exposure I may crumble, but I still love you for you … I don’t know quite why … I just do.

I love you.

In  the year 2000 I somehow was drawn to develop a logo and spiritual name that resonated with me.  I came up with the name of WakundaMa and I formed the website www.wakundama.com.  Wakunda means Great Spirit and Ma is Chinese for horse.  I’m was born in the year of the horse in the Chinese Zodiac.  So the Ma was for my Chinese link, but the Wakunda part was from a strong connection I felt to Native American culture.

Then in coming years when ever I found my self overwhelmed or having trouble sleeping I would seek out authentic “unplugged” (no electronics or amplification) Native American music.  First it was the flute.  Then it extended to drumming, then voice and pow wows.  The sound of it made me feel like I was at home.  The more raw, simple, and natural the better.  At times quite literally the sound of a Native American War Dance could put me to sleep with a smile.

Every now and then I kept searching for the nearest Native American Reservation so that I might live there for maybe a little.  But most of my searches returned disappointing results of reservations consisting of improverished Native Americans living in Westernized housing who mostly would not trust to share their old ways with an outsider like me.  Additionally it seemed that the old ways have been mostly lost.

The past couple years I’ve started to sink into my humanity and humility as a simple creature of this Earth.  In that sinking I’ve started to embrace Native American ceremony, by drumming the drum, and creating an indoor “fire pit” using candles, tufts of white sage, and sweet grass.  I noticed a compelling desire to start singing lost songs of the land.  I find my vocal cords almost seemingly to channel earthy sounds of the past in a language I don’t understand.  The sounds from my throat seem like it could be made-up gibberish, but somehow it feels so very authentic that I dare say it’s channeled.  Be it a true traceable Native American language I don’t know if I will ever find out, but it is definitely so authentically grounding and healing for me.

In the Native American ceremony I’m somehow starting to find my own authentic voice of the inner child that can not speak in well enunciated words of the English language but rather the more emotional not trying to be pretty and polished tone of a Native American voice.   In ceremony I can scream, whisper, yell, cry, be loved, show love and wisdom in the voice that comes thru my belly, heart and lungs.

My draw to Native American has increased.  A few weeks ago I found myself searching again on the internet for which Native American reservation I might want to visit to find my home people again.  This time I decided to search for the largest reservations rather than the closes reservations.  And then I discovered that the biggest reservations once existed in Oklahoma.  What follows is what I started to piece together that seemed to explain why a Chinese Man feels such strong longing for his Native American roots.

A long time ago a great many people of lived in a land called the Americas.  I don’t know how many for sure but a search on the internet show anywhere from as tiny as 2.1 million to even larger than 100 million Native Americans lived in what is now the United States.  And then the I guess somewhere starting around the 1500’s a great conflict would occur with people from Europe and over the years about 90% of the Native Americans would perish, many from war but most just from diseases brought over by the Europeans.

In the United States a steady effort proceeded to contain the  Native American Tribes into reservations.  Mostly a large effort involved trying to clear the areas East of the Mississippi of Native American Tribes.  Most Native Americans were forced to relocate to an area of land that is currently known as Oklahoma.  Land area were reserved for the Cherokee, Cheyenne, Arapaho, Wichita, Caddo, Kiowa, Chikasaw, Tonkawa, Ponca, Oto, Missouri, Pawnee, Creek, Iowa, Kichapoo, Pottawatome, Shawnee, Seminole, Osage, and Choctaw.  A large number of Native Americans perished during this relocation to these reserved lands.

And in the middle of all these reserved lands a parsel of land was left “unassigned”.  In the 1880’s these were referred to as the “Unassigned Lands”.  The north east part of the unassigned lands sat in the “heart” between all these tribal lands.  And in this spot resided Still Water Creek because it’s waters were observed to be still and the land would eventually turn into a city called Still Water.  Before the turn of the century a land run was kicked off and people (later called “Sooners”) raced to claim a parcel of the “Unassigned Lands” as their own.   And so from where the settlers gathered the city of Still Water came to be.  Still Water eventually also became the home of the University of Oklahoma.

In the 1960’s a man born in Hong Kong met a woman born in China at the University of Oklahoma.  They were my Mom and Dad.  They got married and birthed me in 1966 the year of the Chines Zodiac horse.

I was born in Still Water Hospital.  I don’t remember anything there, but my child hood feels like it was filled with much distress, fear, and anger of something I’m not quite sure of.  But I was known by many to be on the quiet and still temperament side much like the creek at Still Water Oklahoma.

In my sleep I recently had memories of entering this world in the presence of a tribe that sang at my arrival as a woman gently held my feet as I landed on the ground.  Many mothers held my feet making me feel so warm and safe in my arrival.  It almost make me cry when I remember these memories I so so so miss.  I strongly believe this is link back to my prior lives in a Native American homeland.  I don’t know if it was necessarily Oklahoma that was my homeland but more that Oklahoma holds the Spirit of so many Tribes from all over the land that I was bound to pick up this in my birth in this life time in the hospital of Still Water Oklahoma.

I remember I was welcomed by the people of this land with so much love and ceremony.  I belonged to the land.  The land was safe.  Life was safe.  The people around me were safe.  Because they welcomed me and most importantly my feet were held.

This is not how my birth happened in the Hospital in Still Water Oklahoma. Instead I now am starting to remember a rude awakening with a painful slap on my behind as I was extracted from my Mom’s womb thru Cesarian Section.  It did not feel safe.  My feet were not held warmly.  My feel were not welcomed to this land.  My feet were cold.  Life was threatening.  Still today often it’s my feet that gets cold.

It’s interesting that I the facts of history of Oklahoma and it’s relevance to me had never been revealed to me until now at the start of the year of the Horse, my year.

Happy New Year.  Gong Xi Fa Cai.

So I’ve spent the past few weeks working with a 3-seat method introduced to me by a Pathworks Helper over year ago. Intellectually it’s a rather simple technique seemingly based upon mainstream psychology.  In reality it takes a lot of practice and self work before you can do it on your own successfully.  In this method you role play your child consciousness, healthy adult ego, and then higher self.  However, for the most part you generally work with only the child and adult.  It’s also a technique you generally employ only if you find yourself stuck, feeling bad or overwhelmed.

You might first start off as an adult asking yourself how you are feeling and then at least for me the thing that bothers me or frightens me is definitely the child.  What’s difficult at first with this technique is being familiar with how to separate the adult and child.  The healthy adult is more factual, practical, yet compassionate.  The healthy adult asks questions, thinks rationally, is open to many options, holds healthy boundaries, is honest and keeps commitments.  The child consciousness is demanding, fearful, often irrational and reactive.  The challenging part of this technique for me was learning how to model and separate the two consciousness as my adult started to get afraid and make-up rational sounding babble to sufficiently fake or bribe the child. For example the child might say:  “I don’t wont to go to work today and I want to take the day off and relax and have fun”  The adult might say: “Sorry but we have to work to earn money”  The child might say: “Why?”  The insecure adult might make up something like  “because if we don’t earn money than we won’t be able to eat.” And that statement is sort of a half truth with a lie mixed in, because the truth is that missing one day of work for me doesn’t mean I don’t eat today.  But my adult gets a bit scared with the demanding child and throws out a “bone” hoping to satisfy, distract or even frighten the “child” so we can “continue on as normal”.  And the truth is in this exercise when my adult is feeling compelled to tell half truths and throw distractions its because I’m really more just in my child trying to pretend to be an adult.

There is a concept in psychology called Transactional Analysis or TA that uses a kind of child – adult model to explain human behaviors.  In TA they would call this state where you kind of have a child play acting as the adult to another child as a state where the “child has contaminated the adult”  or we have the critical parent.  In real life we are surrounded in instances of so many of us having wounded, angry, scared, lacking inner children trying our best to fake being the “grown up” we believe our parents wanted us to be.  And it’s so much the norm that it makes it very normal and often praised human behavior to intimidate, humiliate, sabotage, hurt other humans. But let me get back to me.

I’ve been practicing with this 3 chair technique very sporadically and infrequently, but over the duration of about I year.  I think I’m now just starting to clear up and sufficiently separate my adult as a healthy adult from my inner child.  When I recently did this I found myself feeling the terror of my inner child.

I started to sense the fact that he was a child that grew up in a somewhat sterile existence without any affection.  It probably wasn’t until I was maybe 40 years old that it was revealed to me that with holding affection from a child is considered child abuse and is “traumatic”.  It’s a quiet and insidious trauma that makes everything about one seem like they should be OK much like a robot should be OK as long as you give it proper fuel and maintenance, but leaves one constantly feeling socially awkward or unadjusted.  I was taught by my parents to say “I feel fine, how are you?” and expect the answer of “I feel fine”.  For many years I never quite believed that lack of affection when I grew up was a big deal, I mean it wasn’t physical or sexual abuse.  But I’m starting to understand that in a silent insidious way it was sort of a prolonged “gentle” neglect of me protracted for entirety of my childhood life dripped on me one drop at a time, until after one million drops later I’m unknowingly immersed in a massive sea of insecurity that I’m good at covering up with a mask.

So this past week in this 3 chair technique I was able to feel the entirety of what it means to not have been hugged as a child.  As a child I felt naked, ashamed, fully exposed and unclothed with the warmth of mother’s arms around me.  I could understand how I might today feel anxieties in the dark or in the midst of a room of a large crowd or under the scrutiny of managers as I defend the work I’ve done.  I recall times in my past, like when I was so sure I was going to get layed off after 20 years of employment and feeling a “higher being” or “higher self” coming over me and hugging me while I collapsed in defeat and cried my eyes out.  And so now I was the adult just hugging this child of mine that was just so scared he had no words to say.  So I was able to dialogue with my child that I promised to be with him and hold him and that maybe in the middle of day we can take off from work during lunch and have some time together at the local mall.  And my child warmed up to that and I literally felt him hugging harder around my torso, still trembling very hard.

As I drove I actually started to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the grip of this terrified child. Wow.  This little “Wilson” is REALLY REALLY TERRIFIED.  OH MY GOD! He’s going to squeeze the breath out of me! And then I started to understand a bit about maybe what my Mom might have experienced with me as a child.  My adult started to feel a bit overwhelmed and have thoughts of “maybe we better take this child to a psychiatrist because I don’t know if I can handle how scared he is!!”  The best image I can think of that characterizes all of this and the importance of affection is this picture of a baby monkey in a laboratory hugging a pole crudely fashioned with cloth to resemble a Mom.  That baby monkey was me.

So I took some time to pause and meditate this morning.  I sat down and listened to the cars on the road pass by.  At times I day dreamed about prior times in which I had lead some meditations and was maybe a bit annoyed with all the extraneous noise. And then as I continued to hear a car engine buzz off into the distance I started appreciated how these mechanized sounds intruded into an otherwise calm space of birds chirping in trees and quiet breezes, because their intrusion were like gentle wake-up calls bringing me back into reality of now.

I mean meditating in complete serenity could just help you escape the reality of “what’s here now”.   And you might want to escape “how ever things are now” as opposed to “how you wish things were”.  And if that’s what you want you might be irritated with how things actually are.  While serenity is wonderful and great, the reality is where I live I happen to live on a somewhat busy road and so this was a moment to embrace the gift I have been given to be here in this space and this time, being able to carve out an alcove of  a sensation of having “all the time in the world” for myself in the constraints of a 15 minute meditation.  And so I meditated with the intermittent drone of passing cars to “prick” me back into my physical body in the present, being rather ordinary, with no agenda in mind waiting for the 15 minute timer on the stove to beep, telling me my slowly simmering oatmeal was done.

And then my mind shifted to the now of “what is”.  I chose to meditate in awareness of now versus trying to drift out of my body.  And then I became aware of fear and terror.  I recall a time back in 2011 when I took a Core Energetics Personal Intensive and recall a moment when my defenses were dropped and I felt this cushion press against a vertebrae in the center of my upper back and I was both in agony and overwhelming terror.  I was gently asked to stay in that space longer, and I found myself begging and screaming to let me stop “please no more!”  Within minutes I was told I could stop and was helped off my back and the pain and terror vanished … and I was left with the thought of “what was that?!”

So in my meditation today I brought myself to explore that space of overwhelming terror.  Images of being stabbed without warning in my back arose.  Feelings of shocking betrayal from behind, with no advanced warning, with no idea of who or where the betrayal was coming from.  I’m a total sitting duck of vulnerability for anyone to “sack” me.  And then I upped the anti and thought about what would really scare me: … SPIDERS!!

Many large spiders crawling on the floor and all over me and then most terrifyingly entering inside of my body and just eating me apart … Then I’m back in the present, fully intact, no spiders.  … Then just one really huge monstrous spider larger than me approaching me from the front!

I focused on the sensations in my body.  There was some tension in my belly, the area of the third chakra.  But surprisingly the greatest tension was in my heart.  This surprised me.  I was most terrified that this monstrous spider would eat my tender heart … and I started to cry.  I was not so much afraid of losing my life and my body, but rather losing  my so precious heart.

The spider grabs my heart and takes it in and I cry.  And so I begged to that spider: “Please don’t eat my heart!  Go ahead and eat the rest of my body but please spare my heart!”  And then images of loved ones I care for arise and I hear myself say “Please take me instead … just spare them … please take me instead”  For they are my heart.  Spare my heart.

And then the spider pulls out my unharmed heart from his mouth and returns it back to me almost bowing before me.  Although I’m willing to let him kill me and eat the rest of my body  in exchange for the return of my heart  … the spider respectfully retreats from me.

And then I’m alone in my meditation.  I feel more here in my physical body.  I feel strangely more renewed and transformed from this short meditation. I am so greatful for the luxury of just being here now sitting on a floor, just being alive.  And then the 15 minute timer beeps. I get up. My oatmeal is ready.

I continue to experience some kind of inner terror that causes me to feel nauseous and want to vomit.  It’s something that I usually only experienced in early mornings while prepping myself for a serious of potentially stressful meetings.  But lately I’ve been concerned because it’s happened in the middle of the day or evening when trying to sleep.

So today I took a nap after returning from work.  I woke up around 7 PM kind of feeling displaced and groggy, wondering if this oddly placed nap was going to effect my ability to get a good night sleep and be prepared for a 7 AM meeting the next day.  I was sort of feeling a bit nauseous.  So I took my dog out for a short walk and then I was struck by a remarkably compassionate day.

There was still sunlight out.  The sky was still blue.  The temperature was moderate.  Other people were on there regular walking routes either for exercise or to walk their dogs. And as I stared up at the kind sky I was reminded of this sensation I had before of gratitude to belonging to Earth, Mother Earth, Gaiam.

I remember attending a meditation last week where everyone was extolling the fact that we are “star dust” sort of giving the feeling that we are spirits transcending Earth going beyond this meager Earthly dimension.  And then some ten years ago I attended a spiritual retreat in Hawaii where the leader had discussed discovering whether one was a mere “human being” unawakened and part of this daily mundane human existence, or possibly a awakened being born of Mother Earth.  And then he went on further to describe a smaller select group who might discover that they are beings beyond Earth, that they are beings of the Universe, once again a sense of rising above, being better than, being greater than this meager, finite, and mundane existence on planet Earth.  So all this is consistent with this feeling that the path to resolution, salvation, a calming, is an intention to rise above it all, the financial worries, the physical ailments, even death and loss, because we are immortal spirits wearing sort of a temporary clothing of physical body.

But what I was reminded of today was something a bit more contrary to this spiritual feeling.  Today I embraced my ordinariness in physical body.  I was not a spirit in a physical body.  I was a physical body nothing more.  No more or less than the building I’m next to, the grass, the trees, the air, the clouds, the earth, the ants and my dog.  Every atom of me came from material of this Earth and so I felt one of this Earth.  I am truly a child and moving spiritual expression of this planet Earth.  And when I die I didn’t feel like I needed to rise above to live above this Earth.  No, I felt comfort in an idea that I am actually my physical body and when I die I will decay and become part of this planet Earth possibly in parts to be resurrected in other physical forms  … or not.  I have been, currently am and will be a piece of the sunlight, the birds, the smell, the dirt, the grass, the cat, the people, the trees, the streams, the clouds, the vast sky and every aspect of everything that has been and will be of this wonderful, safe, sacred planet Mother Earth. And being simply just of the dirt in the ground and not having to aspire to be anything more was so comforting.  I don’t have to rise above.  I can actually just sink down and exist and be of the dirt.  So comforting.

And strangely in this acceptance, or more like drinking in of this mundane human existence I felt a bliss of the kind that seemed to match the bliss when I’ve talked about “touching into the Source”.  I wasn’t trying to tap into something “special” but sort of in a way “giving up” and surrendering to the imperfect and vulnerable daily existence of just one tiny person amongst so many other things and creatures on this planet.  I’m no one special, I tried to be, but I give up.  And in that giving up while sitting on a grassy hill side with my dog sitting by my side as we both watch the final minutes of the day waste away I felt comforted, I felt ordinary, and I felt bliss.

I haven’t put in an entry in this blog in a while.  I’ve been holding out until I had something unique, inspirational or worthy of posting an entry.  The intent of a blog is like writing into my personal journal only having the guts to put it out there for the world to see.   There’s a bit of trying to get attention.  But you know at this time I’d rather hide and not be noticed. So that’s some of the reasons I’ve been avoiding putting an entry into this blog.  I guess it’s a matter of shame.

But then again if I view the world as a mirror of my soul and all it’s hopes, dreams and inner turmoil, then maybe it is good to just bare it all, be vulnerable, and look stupid.  So enough rambling and let me get started and try traveling thru my personal shame and terror.

The thing that’s becoming clearer is that there is something within me that is genuinely terrified of being seen.  That I will be annihilated by the very nature of your eye contact with my bare soul.  And so I can’t dare show you the fullness of my vulnerability.  And then when I hide or mask that vulnerability, then I start to feel ashamed of being weak and inadequate as I’m witnessed in my state of hiding.  It sounds a bit confusing and it is.  So this paragraph is my moment of lack of good judgement as I start to reveal myself in the fullness of imperfection, unknowing, shame, and hurt.

So surrounding all this is a reality where I more often sense a background sensation of great physical naseua, like I need to literally vomit to clear my system.  I feel a great inner crying.  I feel a great inner terror. I feel a great inner sadness and loneliness.  And lately I’m feeling rather burnt out, probably partly due to putting a bit too many 80 plus hour work weeks in a row.

Lately, I’ve been really slowing down and trying to sink into my feelings.  Trying to nurture and heal this “somethings not right” that’s within me. But the really interesting thing is this: Now when I allow myself to sink into this state of deep emotional depression, my sinuses clear up?!  I remember several instances over the course of several years where an allergist commented that my nostrils were always partly closed, meaning I was always existing in some minimum background level of an allergic reaction.  I grew up as a child being plagued by life threatening allergies.  Then with years and years of weekly allergy injections I grew healthier.  I saw allergists less and less often as they identified the next pollen strain I was allergic to and they concocted the right serum mixture to induce the proper immunity within my system.

But I remember that a few years ago when I had gone back to see an allergist and went thru the usual rounds of allergic reaction tests, they concluded that there was no clear cause for some recent asthma attacks when I was doing physical exercise.  So there was no longer an allergy injection they could give me to counter the effects of the unknown cause.  Frustrated I tried my best to moderate my exercise to not flare up my asthma.  And then for no reason there was no more asthma regardless of my exercise activity level. I chalked it up to maybe just my increased fitness level overcoming some yet to be diagnosed allergy and I forgot about it.  But what did stick in my mind is that I’ve always still had some background low level of an allergic reaction that keeps me from being able to breath thru my nose comfortably.

But now with my recent feeling bad and then allowing myself time to really sink into that “feeling bad” my sinuses have opened up and I have been breathing really well thru my nose.  I could actually keep my mouth closed and get all the comfortable air that I needed just thru my nose. Wierd.

Then a couple of days ago I was listening to someone share some of their struggles and insights into their personal life.  I was feeling bad and a bit overwhelmed and unable to fully support that person in my listening.  And as I sank into that “bad feeling” state I started seeing feint blue lines of light on parts of their body.  Those of you not familiar with Barbara Brennan’s books, the 1st level of human energy aura is described as looking like a network of blue lines.  However, in my case the blue lines were not as uniform and linear as shown in the illustrations of Barbara’s books, but were almost patterned like the nonlinear netting of blood vessels.  It’s just I’ve never seen these before until this last time where I sank into this “feeling bad” sensation.  So a small part of me thought this was kind of neat.

So do I think being able to see blue lines of light and being able to breath thru my nose is worth the price of feeling quite bad?  Probably not.  But I’d say I’m not trying to feel bad.  It’s that I realize that there is this something that’s always been in the background and that I’ve maybe always been able to numb myself to and ignore.  I guess now the time has emerged in which I can consider not ignoring it, face it and fall into it.  The side effects could be being able to breath thru my nose and seeing blue lines.  It could also be falling into patterns of emotional eating and putting on more blankets of body weight to sooth that background ache that’s ringing louder and louder each day.

Maybe this is what is meant when someone started coining the phrase “spiritual warrior”, because right now it’s really hard work.  It makes me feel naseaous.  I feel bad.  I feel sad. I feel scared.  But as I witness myself overall I seem to be OK.  I remember someone walking up to me while I was in the midst of feeling bad and saying to me at that moment that something about me looks so much more here and present than ever.  So somehow I’m on a path where when I’m feeling pretty darn terrible I’m also looking better.  What gives?

So this past week I’ve come to realize that I’ve been “off” within me.  I can’t quite fully explain it, but I would either be edgy or thoroughly exhausted or both without any clear reason. Maybe, it was just part of my adjustment after my return from my recent week at BBSH in Miami.

This past weekend I had a couple of subtle yet profound experiences.  I remember either early morning or late night thinking about sex, and somehow I dozed off briefly and this person flashed briefly in my head and heart and challenged me to hold off and climb thru to the “other side”.  And then suddenly I was filled with anticipation and excitement over crossing over to “the other side” into something more exciting than sex.  I didn’t just believe it, I could feel it.  It was like being a little kid and bursting with anticipation to start off on a new adventure into some wondrous new place.  I couldn’t see the other side.  I don’t think I actually crossed over, but I could feel the chills of excitement all thru me just before the entrance. And it felt giddy!  Actually even days later as I write this I can still feel it, and have this vague concept of some type of “opening” that’s located above belly level that one can climb or jump thru. Sort of like maybe a window in the wall.  You open up the window to get to the outside, but you have to climb up a bit to get thru the window.

I think some feelings I’ve had that were connected to the idea of “crossing over” was a realization that many years have passed and that many people that I have looked up to as mentors, teachers or role models, have either passed on or are in the later years of their physical life on Earth.  I was once a child and now I’m entering the center of adult hood, where others will be looking to me and my peers to set the template and example for others to follow.  And those that once set the template and example for me, I sense are entering a phase of returning to less and less responsibility and claiming more and more play and remembrance time.  They are returning in ways returning to the kids they once were.  They are relinquishing the control and role in this physical world they no longer need in preparation to “crossing over”.

To those who have paved the way before me, I honor you deeply and feel compelled to say your job is done and I thank you for a job well done and served.  Thank you. Thank you. Namaste.

To those who I am paving the way for, I honor you for being so brave to enter this journey, not knowing for sure the perils, twists, ups and downs that still await you. I love you.

To me for not quite knowing what I’m getting into, but still accepting however is, whatever is … even when there are many times when I don’t feel like I’m qualified, that I’m up to it, or that I’m enough.  To still be willing.  I honor myself. I cherish myself.  I love myself.

And in the mix of these words all I can say is there is this undeniable feeling of happiness and excitement about this “crossing over”  It’s so beautiful. I haven’t seen it with my eyes, but I feel it in my heart, speak it thru my mouth and hear it in my ears.  I almost want to cry.

The other part of this experience I’ve been having is best described as a strong desire to ground myself.  It’s no longer just a good thing to do, but it feels like a vital necessity, like an urge to drink cool water after feeling exhausted from dehydration. And it’s not simply just a grounding into the Earth, but sort of a grounding into myself.

On a Sunday morning I remember waking up wide-awake, but exhausted from this thirst to ground.   And so I found myself a small spot in a room that had some direct sunlight and I just sat on the floor.  Initially, I meditated with my eyes close, but more I just sat there on the ground, eyes open and just sank.  It was like I had been floating apart from my body and now I was just taking the time to stop running around and allow my spirit to fall back and embrace my body. But it felt like a long endless fall not just into my legs, but a falling into each of my cells, and to ever deeper dimensions within me.

And as I sat I kept on falling.  I marveled at the beauty of the familiar dirt and dust on the window, some of the chipping paint on the nearby wall, and the sunbeam lit stream of dust particles dancing around before me.  It was so real, like I had always remembered it was when I was a kid, maybe like it was when I first cross over during my birth as a child.   So so beautiful this Earth.

And I kept relaxing again, and again, and again, and again.  Forever falling deeper into simply just being.  It was like being exhausted and collapsing into the most comfortable bed, and as every minute passes you’re still too exhausted to lift your head and you just collapse deeper and release and surrender over and over and over again.  I did not want to get up.  I was still falling.  My breathing started to slow down.  And sometimes I would literally stop breathing as I fell into another release and then I would spontaneously catch a deep exhilerating breath for fresh air deep deep deep into the bottom recesses of my sacrum.

These two experiences I had of “crossing over” and “falling into me” were so much connected.  It felt so good.  So so so nourishing.  So so so necessary.  I want to be there always.

I’ve become conscious of an undercurrent of feeling like I need to do things to make myself feel enough of a “good” person to show my face to the world.  Like this feeling that has been around for every Christmas that my worth is based upon the gift I give to others. And to those I don’t impress with my gifts or even worse I don’t offer a gift, I feel deep shame.  I feel “I am not enough” and I feel like a “bad person” and I feel “bad, disconnected and exhausted.”

And as I closed my eyes and fell again, and felt the presence of the “crossing over” I felt a voice say to me “You Have Done Enough. You need not do any more.  Let go.  Fall.  Let down.  Breath into your life.  Soak into the quenching of your thirst. You have done enough. Worry no more. You have done enough. You are enough.  There is no more to be done.  I love you.  Just be.

To you who are reading this now, for whatever you feel like you need to do or accomplish, take time to just let it all drop. Take time to fall into you. You are loved just the way you are.

A few weeks ago I had a very relaxing time on a cruise to Bermuda.  I came to really appreciate the times I had alone in my cabin, lying on the bed, just staring out at the beautiful sky, clouds, sunshine and ocean.  The ship was always gently swaying, and I just did not feel like moving.  And then there were moments of touching the Source within my heart and I was in bliss.  Just thinking of that moment now I’m in bliss and almost want to stop writing.

🙂   …………………………………………………………………………………………. 🙂

But I really wanted to write about the undercurrents of something very bothersome, while I was in Bermuda.  I really could’t quite place it with my mind, but I could certainly feel in my heart.  I think that this blissful time, space and opportunity allowed me to unfold more, which was good.  But in the unfolding I think some suppressed emotions of anger, resentment, and even fury were starting to get a chance to loosen and stir up.  These were old and stale emotions very divorced from the facts of the past that created them.  So I could find myself in the emotional state of feeling bothered, annoyed, or angry and not be able to offer an explanation.  I mean I could use my logic and force out a logical explanation and say something like I’m angry because ” … I was deeply betrayed when … ” or  ” …. they were so mean and cruel to me back when … ” .   But no worded logical explanation seemed right.  The most accurate statement was I was experiencing unsettling of pure emotions and that’s all.

My unsettling emotions were a bit like the emotions of a child’s temper tantrum.  It’s sort of like the following kind of conversation.

“Hi Honey.  Do you want some ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“But you like ice cream”

Child: “No!”

“Do you not want ice cream?”

Child: “No!”

“Do you want to talk?”

Child: “No!”

“So you do not want to talk?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

“What’s bothering you?”

Child: “No! No! No!”

So that about describes my under current of this emotional crabbiness.  There’s no reasoning.  Well the adult me could chose to reason things out, but I recognize that reasoning is really ignoring and not listening to the child.  And so I’ve dared myself to just sit and sulk into that child and voice and “feel” whatever he says or doesn’t say. There is no semblance of logical talk, just the honesty of the emotions that make perfect sense without the need for words.  That in these deeper lower emotions words only distort things.

In Bermuda I was allowed to cook in this stew of feeling bothered.  It wasn’t until my drive back home from my vacation that the unleashed emotions started to flare up further into life.  It was clear that there was inner turmoil.  There were parts of me at odds with each other.

During the weeks that followed I have become more aware of my crabbiness and I have chosen to observe it, in amazement.  There’s been more than one occasion that I’ve said to myself: “Wow you are one mean, angry and crabby person … I wouldn’t want to hang around you.”  and another voice within might say “Fuck off!”  And I’d be amazed. “Whoa!”  I found myself less concerned of what other people might think of me.  Yes you might not like me anymore, but it is what it is.

I found myself really intrigued with myself.  This was not like me.  It’s almost like I was observing myself saying: “Who is this person?”  But rather than trying to pull myself together and pull myself back into line, I chose to sulk, be bitter, and be uncooperative.  I gave myself more time to sink deeper into emotions and could really feel the boil.  And in this boiling state I found myself angry and not wanting to be around some people that love me.

And then here’s where the turmoil kicked in.  At the same time I did not want to be around some people, I could simultaneously disparately crave closer intimacy with them.  It makes no sense, but is so familiar in a vague way.  At times it was like I was saying: “Hey you, I couldn’t give a damn if you never come back; just make sure you’re back in time for dinner”  … “I hate you, go away, leave me alone but don’t be out long and come back soon.”

“Hi Honey; do you want company?”

Child: “No.”

“So do you want to be left alone?”

Child: “No.”

. . . . . . . .      . . . . . . . .

And then I hear one more expression

Child: “I just want to be loved.”

Wow. Hmm?  And I’m back in amazement of these complex inner voices that make up me. And so this is the crux of my current crabby state of me that’s not supposed to be like me, but really is me.  This is crabby state uncovered and released to me by a beautiful relaxing time alone in long states of bliss rocking gently in cruise ship to and from Bermuda.

It’s all OK.

Last night I saw the show Miss Saigon and I’ve never been so moved before. And I was often moved in some scenes that I didn’t seem to quite make sense that I’d cry. Partly, I’d say it was just a superb expression of emotion and the complexity of humanity. But maybe partly it’s because as a person I’m becoming more sensitive to the beauty of the human condition. There was one scene in the show where Kim, the “damsel”, is confronted by her cousin, Thuy, who has come to claim her hand in marriage as promised by her parents years earlier. Kim reveals that she has had a son with an American GI and Thuy goes into a fit of rage. Things quickly get out of control, Thuy looks as if he’s about to kill Kim’s son, and Kim shoots Thuy in defense of her son. And then Kim is devastated and mourns over Thuy’s body. It is a powerful display of how the most noble expression of pure genuine love and vulnerability can at the same time be a devastating blow of hurt, and not that far away from being something horrifying and even despicable. And when you see the full story of those that at first seem despicable and horrible you can find understanding, compassion, even admiration. It’s all so very complicated.

So this morning as I meditated I scanned thru my turmoiled emotions. In Norway, an act of major act of violence has occurred involving the killing of over 70 people. The killer’s publications suggest some anti-Muslim intentions, but you quickly see a disturbed voice, even a psyche that is crying out to be heard despite being so long ignored. For me I found myself wanting to sense the meaning of this act on a global humanity consciousness level rather than as the isolated act of one individual.

I’m deeply saddened that a human had to resort to committing this terrible act. Why? Why? Why? And what will be the repercussions as it stirs up hurt, fear, devastation and counter anger emotions. And then how will those emotions ultimately be expressed or repressed?

I feel for all the dark voices out there. They are dark because we refuse to see or acknowledge them. At first we might be drawn to scan out to the global consciousness and inquire if something is happening to humanity. “Who has been wronged and can we right the wrong?” “Who feels hurt, ignored, and shunned and how can we heal them?” “How can we fix the pain before it has to explode?” And despite being such a compassionate cause to go this line of thinking, it all gets very complicated because the very act of doing something to fix or correct something from one person’s point of view will seem to cause hurt and suffering to some other person. The very act of trying to fix something is an act of judging that something is wrong with it. It seems that at best one can do is just sit in the midst of this frustration and just know that we are all human and know what it feels to be human, and accept how it so often doesn’t make any sense, and it goes beyond the capability of human reasoning. And the very act of sitting in the presence of those dark voices and nothing more is the most direct form of healing there is.

And so in my meditation under the gaze of the sun rising to bring in a new day, I bring my attention back to myself and my inner emotions. For what I have learned in my spiritual journey and in my training as an energy healer is that it’s not about “doing” it’s about “being” And in that being I begin to see the connection between who I am and how I feel within myself as a human and it’s reflection in others and the rest of the world around me. In other words the key to healing the unheard voices in the world that eventually break out into violent expression, is for each of us to heal the unheard voices within ourselves. And the healing is generally in the mere act of being quiet and patient and earnestly listening and feeling each spot in our bodies that doesn’t seem to feel quite right, but is generally more convenient to just ignore.

In meditation I can hear a critical voice say: “you’re mind is chattering too much … bring your attention back to the breath … you’re not being a good meditator” and then hear the counter critical voice of “stop being judgmental… that’s not very spiritual” And then I rise above and simply witness the chatter, actually encourage and allow the chatter to go thru and I give these critical voices permission to complain all they want. I hold them in love and know that to judge them is to suppress them, but to just listen to them and hold them in love simply because they exist, to let them know that they are like lost children of my soul that I so gratefully want to bring to light.

I visualize my healing of all these emotions within me like a clearing and dissipating of scattered pockets of dark storm clouds within my psyche. And then I see how my clearing of these clouds within me might also be clearing similar clouds in the skies of the global consciousness encircling Earth.

In the end each of you are so so important. Every aspect of you. And actually, most importantly those darker sides of you that you are afraid to show and acknowledge. Take more time to sit and do nothing and just be, listen and hold each dark part of you in love. Grant them the patience to come out and voice whatever and however they want. They don’t need to voice aloud, they only need to voice in the safe container of your body with your patient inner ear listening intently to the voice that is ultimately just you. All the voices are valid because they exist. All the voices are loved because they exist.

And I back away knowing that the dark unheard areas that are within me are being heard because I’m being compassionate to myself. I am basking in my own love. I am really grateful to have such a loving and patient me. I can feel like myself around myself. And somehow when I do this inner loving it’s also loving the rest of the world. In a way I believe the moment that I have healed all my inner wounds, so will the rest of humanity on Earth have been healed. The theme of the struggle within one bears commonality to the theme of the struggle of all.

And so I find myself able to look at humanity, despite all the violence and destruction that seems to occur, feel so moved to say to all of you: “I Love You.” I say “I Love You” most especially those that are judged as having dark motivations, I most especially say “I love you” I want to see you. I’m not saying this to the violent explosive outbursts that occur, but more on the so many more precursors to those outbursts, to the so many moments building up over many years of a person’s lifetime of having parts of them unheard, invalidated and feeling unfairly dismissed. These are the parts I say “I love you” I want you to be heard because you are important. You are important because you exist.

Please don’t hide away. I want you to be seen. I want you to be heard. I love you.

So last week I finished my first year of BBSH (Barbara Brennan School of Healing). There’s a concept that all students are familiar with and that is the concept of contraction following a full week of emersion in the immensely healing and supportive template of the students and teachers at the school.  Each week back I’d say my contractions have been easier, so I was sort of expecting this time back from the final week of school would have been a breeze.  So like an over confident student I sauntered from school, to a plane back to Delaware, and right back into days of intense business meetings.  And I almost danced right thru it and then I got a sucker punch in an email from one of my several bosses at work.  I mean objectively it wasn’t that bad, but I still couldn’t help feel ashamed and defeated. Well to be deeply honest, I felt really ashamed, defeated and even quite scared.

The timing seemed to come out of nowhere.  And in the end because of the manner it came so unexpectedly and almost didn’t seem to make sense, it also seemed to have an element of divine intervention.  Like this was yet again a well timed poke at me using just the right words to feed into the critical voices in me that conclude that I am a “bad person”

It is very interesting all the subtle avenues to sucker punch me into that “bad person” feeling.  If someone said “I’m really angry with you Wilson”  That’s one thing.  But when someone applies some kind of social label to what I did it becomes elevated to a higher standard.  If you label me “rude” or just “inappropriate” it feels no longer the mere opinion of one person, but rather a fact based upon all of humanity.  At least that’s how I take it in emotionally.  So if you don’t tell me your emotions but instead label my actions as “rude”, “immoral”, “inappropriate”, “disgusting”, “dishonorable”, “most disappointing”, “subpar” then it’s like God declaring me “bad” and abandoning me.  These are indirect sucker punches that to me say “you’re bad” and for me that’s often too painful to exist.

And so this past week back home in Delaware has been about realizing that I actually have been weathering a storm.  I just didn’t realize it until I got a sucker punch that’s making me really feel bad and lacking as a decent human being.

So far what has helped is, of course, the memory of my experiences at BBSH and all those so many cherished class mates who forever stunned me over and over again with expressions of unbelievable acceptance and approval.  Namaste, Namaste, Namaste, Shey – Shey, Shey – Shey,  Gracious, Mucho Gracious, Thank you, Thank You, is all I can say for the gift of seeing me once more.  I must admit right now I’m having difficulty seeing me again, but the evidence and data locked in too many brain cells are now too well intrenched. And they all sing for me.

And so even beyond the gift of those memories and the many more I hope to meet with, there still remains this pain of “I’m bad” “I’m scared”  and then the more adult persona that hides words of “I’m bad” with “I’m OK, I’m a grown up, but I should have done this better.  That was a poor performance thing you did.  Such a disappointment”.  And so with this complex dynamic of voices, opinions and emotions all stirring up underneath an adult ego shell of me pretending to look “OK I’m fine” in this every day world, I can only do one thing.

Accept them all.  I accept you voice that says “I’m bad”  I accept you critical voices that say “I should have …. or I shouldn’t of …”  Come out complain, criticize, blame, cry and speak your peace over and over again as much as you want.  I love you and accept you.  Come out all you dark, rejected, lost and forgotten aspects of me come out, I love you especially, because you have come out.  I love you all because you exist.  The ones that have done shameful things, think shameful thoughts, feel shameful emotions, act so less than what is expected of you, have or are failing, have or are becoming a big disappointment,  I love you especially most because you have spoken up or have come out and have asked to be seen.

Come now, Come now. I love you.  Come in my arms.  Let me Love you.  You are all so so so So especially precious.

And so in this place of integrated self love of all the parts of me.  I stand vulnerable, weak, but able to watch a future that might scare me, like watching a gigantic Tsumani wave a thousand feet high coming towards me ready to wipe me away.  I am powerless to defend.  Yet all is well.  I love you all.  I hear voices cry “I’m scared, I’m scared” and then I say to that voice “Oh so dear voice I love you, come here let me hold you!”  I will be with you all the way.

Love.

I’m not quite sure what’s been happening the past few weeks, but I guess there’s been an under current of uneasiness of things unsettling. Maybe it’s a bit like the tornadoes that seem to steadily taking up lives in the US, but sort of strangely and quietly in the back ground, yet not quite in the background.

Today I had a dream and in that dream I was recalling how I felt lacking in many areas, but there was one thing I could do and that was float through the air.  I generally kept this fact a secret because I didn’t want to freak people out by floating through the air like a spooky ghost, but I knew I could do this by will or sometimes it would be difficult to stop lifting off the ground.  However, it was kind of a neat ability because when things got hectic I could float, glide and fly quickly to get to wherever I needed to go.  I could fly very fast and skillfully.

And so in one of my many years of having this ability I found myself inside this house, which resembled a bit of my father’s house.  I thought about the fact that I usually only floated up to maybe ceiling height.  I then thought about flying up higher.  I step outside to the back yard where there was an opening of grass surrounded by woods. And then I started to float as I usually do.  But then as I rose I started to notice being bitten by mosquitos. And then some inner voice mentioned that my ability to float is connected with charging up my energy field, and as you do this more it attracts bugs like a light attracts bugs in the dark. That humans have varying levels of energy chargedness which more or less attracts bugs, which is why some people get bitten more than others.  Another insight was that a person’s stress or anxiety level factors into the static-ness of this charge.  The inner voice warned not to float and charge up so open like that.  As I started to float towards the top of the trees, maybe about 40 feet in the air, I really got attacked by bugs.  They were swarming and voracious, and so I quickly came down, and landed thoroughly exhausted.  It’s like they sucked my energy away.  I started to wonder the symbolic meaning in maybe that people in this world are mosquitos and when I shine my vulnerability, warmth and love, will they only suck me dry.

And then my eyes opened up.  I woke with the sunlight gleaming in my eyes.  I had been dreaming.  And then it struck me by shock.  I felt this horrifying realization: “You know what?  I don’t think I can float thru the air!”  But I was also shocked that I thought I believed I could fly through the air as well.  I heard this critical voice say: “Oh my God!  You have actually believed you could fly through the air since child hood!!”  It’s like a part of my memory banks were kept secret from my consciousness and for so many years for as long as I could remember I really could float and fly, in a Peter Pan like fashion.  But if I scan my conscious memory banks I have no evidence that I ever actually did float or fly.  But another part of my mind has always remembered that I could float and fly just as naturally as I could breath.  I was in total shock as both sides of my mind were shocked with the realization of the other.  The part that always knew I could fly was shocked to find out that I can’t fly.  But the part that had never seen me fly was shocked that I was so dellusional to actually believe I could fly and for over 40 years!

And then I sort of didn’t want to rise out of bed and report to my work place. I started to wish I was dead.  I heard this comforting voice somewhere ask: “Would you like me to take your life now?” and I said “Yes, take me now in bed!”  “But what about those that will miss you?”  and I said “It’s OK I’d rather wait for them on the other side.  I mean if I stayed here I’d only get to see some of them leave me, so I’d rather leave first now”

But I did rise out of bed.  I found my dog sprawled across the floor in the sunlight.  She really knows how to relax and that realization made me partly jealous but mostly happy.

I pull myself together.  A bit scared.  Lacking in some direction and intent. Not really wanting to live. I prepare to walk my dog and then slug out to work.

So one area of the past several months I’ve been remiss on sharing are my experiences walking some labryinths. I mean I’d say a year ago it was at a Labryinth that brought about resolution in being with my surrender to a reality of failing to prevent my layoff. But in more recently I’ve found that my office in Wilmington is actually located across the street from a chapel that hosts a labryinth on Wednesdays.

It’s not a permanent labryinth, but one that has to be set up in the morning down in the chapel basement. So initially you’d think less of this labyrinth than one that is permanent and large like the one near the Delaware Art Museum. However, I remember stepping out of my office after a stressful meeting and stepping into Chapel and then following signs for the Labryinth down to the basement. And I was surprised to be met by a women sitting pleasantly and quietly at a table outside double doors to the room that contained the Larbryinth. She was a wonderful hostess who walked me into the room to describe the general guidelines to this room.

And it was then that I was taken back by the specialness of this temporary Labryinth. There was a prayer and intention table near the entrance of the Labryinth. Then another table with fresh pairs of socks for you to wear as you can’t wear shoes as the Labryinth is actually made out of fabric. They had lit electric candles around the perimeter of the Labryinth. At the back were glorious standing candleabras with real lit candles.

And at the from perimeter were yet two more tables with real lit candles and two finger Labyrinths. Finally for completing the mood the lighting was dimmed and there was realistic sounds of Tibetan chants, wind chimes, and Tibetan bowls resonating throughout. In the center of the Labryinth were 4 Zabu cushions for meditaton.

So I walked this Labryinth and what I clearly felt was utter thankfulness for this time and space. All I can say is that on average it seems one can expect at least a full hour in serene and fulfilling solitude on a personal journey within this Labyrinth. This place speaks of abundance. I was absolutely floored by all this effort to put together this Labyrinth and setting of all this intention. I mean even along the walls of this basement room are lined rows of chairs and I swear you can feel the presence of guides and sages sitting there honoring your journey. I honored them. At each point where candles were along the perimeter you felt a presence. There were many in this room and you could feel their presence and it brought great support and peace. This was a place for me to feel gratitude, the kind that starts to trigger those euphoric sensations of “the Source” that I’ve mentioned in earlier posts. My chest starts to go into this heart orgasm state and I’m still, just basking in the moment.

I remember sitting in the center of this Labryinth on those Zabu cushions and was stunned by how comfortable my bottom felt. I could sit there for hours in bliss without moving. And for this being I am grateful, beyond what I could repay. In fact I understood and felt how my mere grateful feelings were repayment. In fact I could be grateful for the gift of feeling gratitude. I could be grateful to myself and feel the gratefulness from myself.

I think I will stop now. Peace be with you. I love you. I am with you. I am. I Love.

Yesterday was another growth experience for me.  Firstly I went to a New Years Eve retreat alone.  I was starting to get ambivalent if this was the right thing, but as I was driving on my way to the Farm House (where the retreat was at), I did understand that this was good, this was my decision, my decision to regret or rejoice if needed, but mine just the same.  If I didn’t go then it would have been a blow to my identity, of being able to both discover creative things as well as allowed make my own mistakes.

So I arrived at my destination I was a bit edgy because I was possibly running late.  And then I followed this other car and parked in a grassy field.  But then I noticed that the ground looked a bit ominously soft. So I decided to edge my way back up onto pavement, and I almost got there and then I was stuck. The people from the other car sort of made comments about you might as well just give up and go to the retreat.  They were staying overnight but I was not staying overnight.  I felt the urge to restore my safety in not being trapped, in being able to leave at a moments notice on my own terms.  My tires started to spin away. I was frustrated.

The people in the other car wanted to know if I wanted a push.  Then I asked if one of them could drive my car while I pushed.  So we pushed but the car only got further into mud.  We tried to back out but my car only dug itself deeper into mud.

One of the other persons mentioned they had AAA, but I knew that didn’t mean very much as I don’t think you can call for road service for another person.  But the offer to help did trigger me to remember that I did have Better World Club membership.  So I pulled it together and gave up and accepted that only a tow truck could get my car unstuck. So I closed off everything, pulled my composure and walked with them to the retreat, actually helping them carry one of their cushions and talking with each a bit.

As I sat at the retreat, I realized that I was in a state of hidden panic.  I would have felt so much better to not be there and so my spirit was out of my body, thinking things as desparate as:  “I am stuck here, it’s New Years eve and there will be no tow trucks available.”  Then I was worried that it was getting dark, that my car might be too far off the road to get a successful tow.  Then I was thinking I would feel better just calling for a tow truck and waiting to get my car out before going into the retreat.  But I knew that if I waited for a tow truck I would miss out on most of the retreat and this whole trip would have been for naught.  So I had to do my best to postpone my panic.  It was starting to get dark and as it gets darker it’s harder for the tow truck operator to see what he’s doing.  So I was thinking that I was giving up the safety of daylight for the sake of being at the retreat.  I started to disasterocize, that they might have to wait for weeks for the ground to dry up to get a truck close enough to my car.  Then I was starting to wonder if my membership had lapsed?  Further panic set in.

It was then that I started to realize one reason why road club membership is so much better than saving the membership fee and paying for tow service as needed.  It was called peace of mind.  On New Years Eve and in a state of panic without road club membership I would be so ill equipped to try and search for the nearest active tow service.  So while economically a road membership only starts to pay for itself with the 2nd tow truck service, the membership was worth it to me.  It prevented me from going into more intense panic.

So I had time to focus on pretty severe but manageable anxiety.  But as I sat at the retreat I just Witnessed my emotions. I was experiencing terror.  I honestly felt like I’d be trapped forever.  That my life was a threat.

Then Loseng, the Tibetan Bhuddist Monk, mention detachment from material things and I thought so what if I just abandoned and lost my car.  I could still live here and I could eventually (within maybe 24 hours) get a ride.  So what if I lost my car forever. So what if I lost all my possessions. And even if my life was threatened what is so bad about losing my body.  These are all just posessions.

Then in a meditation with my eyes just slightly open I saw 2 candle flames flickering and sensed the presence of a femalic mentor/goddess without words conveying to me that all was well. It was like I was in the moment of what if feels like to die and this gatekeeper kept me at peace.  It was like if I was sleeping in bed and was being lightly awakened from a nightmare, with a compassionate orange yellow presence comforting me while showing me concern.  I guess the presence was  like my spiritual nurse maid in a spiritual hospital with me in the hospital bed.  It was almost like she was saying you’ve been thru alot (of emotions), but rest assured it really was all OK.  You see you can let go of your body, you can let go of things.  People, circumstances can tie it up your posessions, and entangle it, but you can detach and not be tied up and entangled with your posessions.  You an walk away and let go of what are really no more than things you worry you will lose (your possessions).  And as you are in the state of letting go, of having no possessions, notice how free you feel.  You can be a free spirit.

One realization I had was that I am not any one emotion.  I am not mean nor am I kind. I am not good, and I am not bad.  I am not angry, I am not sad, and I am not happy. The one thing I know I am is that I am, and that’s about all I can say.  And the meanness or kindness or only emotions, only things that can flow thru me.  To hold on to one description is to become a victim.  To say I am angry is to say I am stuck at the one state of emotion of angry.  To say I am happy is to say I am stuck at happy and to ignore and not embrace the shadow part that is angry and sad.  Because the reality is that I can be angry, happy, and all sometimes all emotions simultaneously.  I am really all kinds of emotions simultaneously.  Emotions flow thru me but they are not me.

In general things like exercise and meditation all seem like things one can do to cope with stress.  I remember some time back when I attended Depression support groups, the one thing everyone was in agreement about was that exercise helps with your mental and emotional health.  It all makes sense.  However, recently I’ve found that it can actually interfere with my emotional and mental well being.

Over the past few weeks, I had seriously ramped up my physical activity by running more regularly.  It got to the point I was running about 3 miles a day, and each day I challenged and pushed myself just to push a little harder.  When I felt fatigued, it was a satisfying feeling that I was reinvigorating my physical fitness level, making me healthier.  And I was more motivated and had more energy.  I could stay up past midnight and wake up at 5 AM and start running.  And each time I ran, I seemed noticeably faster, stronger and less fatigued.

But then I noticed that mid-day I would start to drag a bit, with this craving to start running again. I started to be less hungry and ate healthier and ate less.  Yet, my body weight stayed the same.  For a period of time I actually got this rush of a sensation that I was back in my 20’s and wanted my body to return to that same physically fit form.  I actually started to intentionally cut back on eating, even when I craved for some food.  And when I felt kind of stuck emotionally, just chomping on the bit to munch on some potato chips, I felt this edginess, this need to go out and run again and exhaust my new found energy.  But despite the fact I was controlling my eating and exercising a lot, my body weight remained the same.  My clothes were getting a bit looser, but my weight stayed the same.

My only conclusion was that I was starting to gain a bit of muscle mass while I was losing some fat mass so my weight remained the same, despite the fact I was getting leaner.  This probably meant that my testosterone levels were starting to go back up.

I’m a bit convinced that in my case where I went from very little to no exercise to a lot of exercise, was that my emotions were now on a bit of a steroidal high. I definitely felt this urge to start exercising more and start going to a gym and lifting weights to get back to this image of myself in my 20’s when I had a very satisfying muscular upper body with cut abdomens.  I recall that rush of muscular ego that was constantly thinking hard of ways to make myself look better or at least preserve how good I looked.  So it was as much of a compulsion as it was a high.

When athletes take steroids, it’s reported that their emotions can get edgy and irritable from a steroid rage.  And I now believe that my exercise translated into miny “roid” rages that amounted to me just being edgy and irritable, with a strong desire to push myself physically to feed my self-esteem and exhaust the edginess.

Exercise, especially with the intent of looking physically better, is just ego-driven.  And while it sort of nourishes your self esteem, it’s not sustainable.  No matter what you do or achieve physically it is not the same as just feeling total worth, no matter what.  This is unconditional self-esteem, unconditional self-love.  When your self-esteem and self-love is conditional then it’s ego.

When I try to sit or lie still and connect my heart to the Source, that is what it’s about to feel that self esteem and self love.  And if I’ve exercised strenuously earilier in the day, the “roid” edginess interferes with that connection.  To keep connected I just needed to let go and let the connection happen. Once I start feeling the “roid” edginess and ego the connection was real hard to make as I’d so much rather go out an run or achieve something.  In someways it was like the mini “roid” edginess was just an exercise addiction much like being a workaholic.

And in fact this past week I think I was definitely becoming a work-a-holic driven to accomplish things at work so that I could sit back, rest and smile at myself for accomplishing something and feeling valued for accomplishing this.  And once in that addictive cycle of needing to do more, it’s hard to connect, because connection is more about slowing down, and in fact being still so that you can just allow it to happen.

So this past week I had gotten so busy that my exercise completely stopped.  Then when the weekend finally hit I first initially found myself working a bit on the weekend, but then I thought about doing some running to clear things up.  But instead I elected to NOT run, despite being physically inactive.  I decided to just take time to slow down, eat more if I have to and be OK about it.  I decided to preserve the time and energy I would have invested into exercise into doing a bit of nothing and to get settled into meditating.  I even actually slowed down below the level of meditation by just staying still going limp and just being.

And so as a result I found the time and urge to write.  I found the urge to be and feel the child. I became more at ease, less tension, more restful and more satisfied with myself. I’ve come to accept and be proud of my lack of accomplishment, because I have invested and fulfilled myself in just being or doing what feels natural and at the same time fostering what will feel natural.

It’s all rather interesting that just a bit more than light to moderate exercise could actually be too much exercise.  In the end it is all about finding that right balance. In the end it’s all about constantly taking time to step back and see if you are able to just be and be OK with just being.

So for about almost a year I’ve been reading this book Balancing Heaven and Earth by Robert A. Johnson.  The main reason I was introduced to this book was because my mention of my experiences with the Source.  Someone mentioned that it sounded a bit like the Golden World that Robert A. Johnson experienced maybe 3 times in his life.  The first time he experienced it was when he was in his teens on a table in a hospital dying from massive internal bleeding from a severely crushed leg, and then some later times generally triggered by a certain aspect of the sunshine under particular circumstances.  In the end Robert states that there is no known way of reaching the Source.  That it is bestowed upon the recipient purely upon grace.

But aside from these encounters with a taste of Heaven, Robert takes what I’ve found the most profound spiritual book I’ve ever read to date.  It’s so much about being a human, being fallible and because of being human and fallible being so simply perceptive.

I think the big thing that Robert reveals is the impact and person Carl Jung.  I’ve heard of Carl Jung in the context of the great Sigmund Frued. When you hear these names you think of troubled and disturbed minds undergoing psychoanalysis of psychiatric intellectuals speaking with German accents.  For a good time Carl Jung was an active intellectual partner of Sigmund Freud and both agreed on the basic concepts of ego and subconcious.  But then at some point Carl took a sharp detour into a world one might consider insanity.  And in the end seemed much more of modern day Shaman rather than a psychologist.  Carl became fascinated with the power of dreams not merely revealing your own issues but in a way predicting the outcome of mankind or almost in ways the coming of a messiah.

Carl Jung discovered evidence of a human collective conscious where a thought in the mind of one person gets transferred to the minds of all mankind without any communication.  This collective conscious is like the great common spiritual ocean, and ultimately our subconscious.  Carl Jung emphasized the importance of this subconscious connection, this spiritual connection otherwise one experiences psychological issues in the conscious world.  In the end the conscious world we live in everyday is not very significant and real.  In fact the big things that occupy our every day conscious life are actually rather meaningless and its the subtle feelings felt in the inner world of our beings that are huge in meaning.  Carl Jung introduces the concept of archetypes as a way of  helping interpret the language of our inner beings.  And many years later a spiritual book writer named Carolyn Myss comes out with a book Sacred Contracts that ultimately flushes out the concept of archetypes.

Robert A Johnson it seems may have been one of Carl Jung’s most esteemed students.  And in the end Carl Jung instructed Robert to stay away from the lime light and not go to any of his Jungian schools because in a way Carl felt Robert was too advanced for his school.  Even Carl Jung himself distanced himself from his own schools, almost to say I’ve matured beyond my legacy, “now don’t listen to my great teachings, listen to your inner voice”

So the 2nd half of Carl Jung’s life, the part that still has yet to be absorbed by psychologist is contained in a recently published book called “the Red Book”.  And this Red Book has a glow of mistique about it.  The Washington Post said: “With a rich crimson dust jacket, thick cream-colored paper and calligraphied pages, this huge tome [the Red Book] is the size of a lectern Bible and looks like the kind of spell book a wizard might consult.”  For years kept a secret in a safe deposit box and then published carefully in a large hard cover book that you might expect to find on one of the shelves of the forbidden section of the library in Hogwartz. Someone is currently selling one copy of this RedBook for $3,500 on Amazon.

So in the end, the truest follower of the late Carl Jung, Robert A Johnson I believe conveys much of the wisdom of this Red Book, but possibly even truer then the book itself.  Dr. Wayne Dyer pretty much founded his fame on words of wisdoms from Carl Jung.  Dr. Dyer is famous and materially wealthy.  Robert A. Johnson is Dr. Dyer’s senior and is much more the real deal, yet is pretty much unknown.  Carl Jung predicted that Robert was destined for a solitary path, and Robert has pretty done this and in the closing parts of what is probably Robert’s last book, is his statement that his ultimate state of being and teaching will be in his silence.

Carolyn Myss mentioned that the heavens work in opposites.  That what seems big is probably small.  What seems small is probably big.  The Bible has words like “the first shall be the last and the last shall be the first” And with Robert it seems the quietest is the truest and the most popular and loudest doesn’t mean very much.

And so lately I’m absorbing and integrating the emotions in me stirred up in my subconscious and conscious with my recent job loss and recovery, my spiritual journey thru the labryinth, my entire life, my purpose, the completion of reading Balancing Heaven and Earth, taking a course in self healing a local intuitive energy school, work in Active Imagination, work in Lucid Dreaming, newer meditations and greater awareness of the pains that had at it’s worst driven to commit suicide.

I think I am at a stage of my life that I am maturing to understand and feel how much pain I really am at. I’ve had people describe at points in my life that I must be in great pain and have never felt it.  But then there would at times points where I’d explode in anger, or shutdown in apathy, or try to mortally hurt myself.  I’d usually handle it by thinking this behavior is wrong and suppress things and act proper and in the process conclude that I’m not in pain and not feel the pain.  But in the end only learn not to feel.

So in this process of unlearning not be unfeeling.  To unlearn how to be “a man”.  To unlearn how to “be strong”. I’ve found myself unraveling into a blubbering mess like a baby from simply watching several different scenes in movies I’ve seen before on cable TV.  I remember when I was in this state before, I watched 10 seconds of a person recounting how he heard news of the Pearl Harbor bombing in World War II and I suddenly started crying uncontrollably at the realization of the great suffering and senseless killing that we are doing to each other. I listened and sang to John Lennon’s “Imagine” and was sobbing and my insides were aching so badly.  And then most recently I was watching Toy Story 3 with others and I was kettle ready to burst in tears.  And all I was thinking to myself is “Oh my God please please keep it together. Please look away from the screen.  This is going to be so embarrassing, a grown man crying from a cartoon.  Suppress the emotion.  Suppress the emotion.”

So if you’ve been reading up on https://www.tiredmiddleagedman.com I’ve been processing the rite of being layed off. For some of you readers being layed off is no big deal, so I guess I’m new at this.  But in any regards if you’re new at anything and it’s something that has happened for the first time in over 20 years, it’s kind of a big thing emotionally.  I mean for me, a 44 year old person, we’re talking about something I’ve lived with for nearly 50% of my entire life.  So I only digress like this to stress that this is emotionally quite big for me.  And within all big emotional hardships comes great opportunity to spiritual growth.  Well it’s being nice to call it an opportunity, it’s more just something that happens and you will inevitably grow whether you like it or not; it may be nice, but more likely very uncomfortable or downright terrible, but trust me you will grow.

So today I took a time out to just be more in the present.  I started to think more and more about Ekert Tolle’s title “The Power of Now” and it’s calling to be in the present.  This past Wednesday I had an opportunity to walk with a group of others in the Labryinth on the Delaware Art Museum grounds.  The process absolutely made a huge impact on me.  It uncovered the inner child in me and his desire to keep time still so that things don’t change, treasured places remain, and loved one’s don’t grow up or depart from your life.

What the Labryinth experience started to reveal to me is that we all are spreading our life energy across time.  The more we crave, wish, worry, regret, strive, move, and achieve all we are doing is spreading our trail across time.  And in the end all we really want is to be one and whole, yet we see other people, things and events around us moving and changing and we want to chase them back in time and forward in time and it stretches us further and further apart so that as time moves on we get spread thinner and thinner.  For most, maybe all of us, it isn’t until physical death do we get to gather up our entire trail across time.  Time is compressed back into a single point and the trail that was once us is gathered back together as one, we are one again, the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega together as one again.  This is your life flashing before your eyes.  This is the review of your life experience that you will go thru before you can die.

So once again I recognize the need to consider not spreading my trail.  Start raveling in my past, worry not of the future and absolutely savor the present based upon the past special moments I so so so miss.  I want to bring in my entire spirit now spread over 44 years of time back together into the present.  I want to be.

And so I found much of today, me, my mind drifting into beautiful vistas in my memory of beautiful places I’ve been to.  In fact many places of the past are so much more beautiful and precious because they simply do not exist anymore due to the fact they have been destroyed or torn down.  For example I can remember so much more vividly the time I walked on the roof of one of the World Trade Center towers.  It’s more spectacular now than it was back then.  And this is a big key.  In just the same manner you can recall a memory more spectacular and precious than it was when you first experienced it, you can apply that principle right now in the present.  Know this, that this moment where ever you are is so special and precious and many many years from now you will wish you were here.  Know this feeling and starting wishing you were here right now.  And this wishing so badly you were here while actually being here is at least part of what it means to be Now in The Power of Now.  I would probably add start bringing in the past as well and bring back all of your spirit into the present.  Miss yourself no more.

In this state I had noticed one thing, that the having a bright Sun somewhere helps — a lot. And it started to dawn upon me today that I can actually hear the Sun?!  What do I mean?

I mean I remember a year ago I traveled to the Bahamas and it was so so Sunny and I was in my hotel room and when the window was open, even with my eyes closed I could smell, hear and feel tropical paradise. But what was so clear was this sort of background sound, which I think was the sound of the Sun. My best logical explanation for what this sound is, is it’s probably a bit of the heat that the Sun generates on a truly powerfully sunny day.  The heat causes heat waves which can be heard as maybe a soft low frequency continuous thud or distortion that just resonates and permeates all over.  It triggers breezes to come in and if there are trees, birds they are prompted into motion.  If you’re by an ocean the rawnesss of that energy is enhanced with the transition of water waves rippling from a humungous ocean into the land of the shore.  But even if there was no breeze, no ocean, no trees, and nor birds, I swear I can still hear something that is the Sun.  Imagine a scene in your mind at night and now imagine it with a rip roaring Sun.  I don’t know about you but in that imagined scene don’t your hear something different?

And so today as I basked in the present I savored the sound of the Sun. I savored the sound of the Sun now and the Sun in the past in all of those places.  Like a huge symphony across time and space I touch every point of my trail of my spirit across time and space under the loving stare of that familiar Sun, that one thing that quite honestly seems to have stayed the same for as long as I can remember.

So here I am preparing to join the many who are unemployed.  To some extent I guess I feel like a big baby not being to take this so well.  But honestly it feels like I’m dying and everywhere I try I’m only met with huge disappointment.  Yes there are brief moments where I do contemplate suicide a bit.  This coming week I have a job interview to drive to.  The person is really excited to find me, but I’m highly skeptical if this one’s going to come thru.  I’ll be driving over the Delaware Memorial Bridge.  I know that on March 16th, 2010 one person parked his car on the Commodore Barry Bridge and was talked out of jumping.  I remember driving past his parked car on the bridge that day.  The next day someone jumped off the Walt Whitman Bridge and died.  So I briefly picture myself parking, but I guess I just wouldn’t have quite the gumption to climb out and jump, or would I?  I mean if you park your car in the middle of the bridge, I wonder how long before police cars swarm on you?  I’d say at least 5 minutes but no more than 15 minutes.  I let the thought go.

A couple of important people in my life mentioned I should take some Vitamin D, worried I was sinking into a depression.  Well lately I’ve been taking a ton of Vitamin D.  I’m taking about 100 capsules a day.  I did wonder a bit if doing this was dangerous but it doesn’t seem to have any ill effect.  But just the same I’m not sure if it’s helping. I also took some pain killers to dampen the pain, but it probably only made me slightly numb.  I only have a couple pills left.  OK I admit it feels a bit reckless, but I’m really really hurting inside more than I can ever remember.

Yesterday I took a seminar teaching skills on grounding my energy so as to help drain the hurt within me.  I learned that I have a tendency to try and suck in energies outside of me to make up for the deficit and hurt that’s in me.  Instead of taking in outside energies to compensate for my pain, I was being taught to visualize connecting my first chakra (base of spine) to the center of the Earth and not attempt to draw-in the energy of the Earth, but merely make the connection.  That sensation of not drawing in the energy of the Earth was agonizing as my insides ached to be healed and nurtured.  I was then instructed to visualize a bright energy above my had, and then allow one sun shine energy above my head drop into my body filling my empty bagged body and around me.  I started to visualize my pains draining into the Earth.  Then I was told to allow a 2nd sun energy fill out my aura, to which I sort of revised a bit  it as hugging me with love.  So after my session I had a fairly good day enjoying the remaining couple of hours of sun light. I was told these sun shines where my personal energy, which is interesting because I would have thought of them being divine energies that were not of me.  If you’ve read some of my description of the Source, this intrigues me.  Because I’ve at times seen the Source as being the center energy source of that which makes Me and now I’m being told that these sources of bright light above my head are also that which makes Me.  And so I’m drawn to ponder about my concepts of hypersheres.

In my concept of hyperspheres if you travel to the center of any point and you implode sort of like a black hole, you will inevitably emerge on some outer edge of the universe.  In other words the outside of a sphere is really kind of like a “moebius strip” connection to the very center of a sphere.  If you implode symmetrically you will be the entire outer sphere showering back towards the center.  If you send all your love and energy towards what you perceive as your center, it’s net effect is to love the universe from the outside in.  If you send love symmetrically outwards from your body to all of the universe the net effect is to love the universe from the inside out and when you “love rays” reach the outer edges of the universe those same “love rays” will emerge from the center of your heart.  If you are slightly less than symmetric in your implosion or explosion then your intention only reaches particular people, places or regions within your body.  So the concept of Me being above my head as sunshine but also Me being from a center within Me made me think a bit of my concept of hyperspheres.

After I was grounded, I can’t say I noticed distinctively that I was “GROUNDED”, but I did notice my taste sensations had shot up.  At the seminar I tasted some of the best tasting chocolates I have ever tasted in my life.  It was like a scene from the movie: “Defending your Life” where someone goes to Judgement City in sort of a partial Heaven world where the food was guaranteed to be the best tasting food you’ve ever tasted and you could eat as much as you want for free and never ever gain weight.  The person orders some eggs at a diner in Judgement city and asks if they are good.  The waitress replies there the best you’ve ever had served just the way you like them.  He orders the eggs and gets them immediately with no wait just the way he likes them. And when he eats them he practically goes into orgasm of taste and exclaims “these are the best damned eggs I’ve ever had”   And so these chocolates were so good that I couldn’t help myself but to grab more and eat more.  These chocolates were Hershey’s!?  I felt just slightly giddy and had some Trader Joe’s brand tea with some plain white sugar and after about the 10th sip I realized WOW this is the best tea I’ve ever tasted. Wow this is good tea! The best I could surmise was that the grounding excercises I had been doing was a powerful way to getting towards being in the Now and present and so being so much more present my appreciation of Now was greater.

But I’m back to today and I’m in pain.  The grounding exercises help only but a little now.  I think it’s because tomorrow is Monday.  I think it’s because I am trying to look and apply for more jobs, but frankly I’m so plain damned tired of looking for jobs.  I really want to give up, accept unemployment and just go down for the count.  “No Mas.  No Mas…!”  “Uncle,  Uncle .. !”

But I have another job interview tomorrow.  And I have only 2 weeks left to land an official offer or I’m unemployed.  And this job interview I have is a bit of a “Hail Mary” attempt because I feel i’ts partly just a way of the person interviewing me just sympathizing with my plight and just being willing to go thru the motions of a job interview and seeing something will happen.  I wonder if I should even bother preparing for this interview.  But frankly I think it doesn’t matter anymore.  What my personal experience has showed me is that you can have the best damned interview you have ever had in your life, poor out your guts in preparation, practically do a song and dance show, be the most qualified person they’ve ever seen, have them show great enthusiasm in hearing about you and have them turn you down feeling like they probably never intended to hire you from the very beginning and find out they rejected all the interviewees and have done so for a long time!  I’ve spent a lot of time and energy applying for jobs that actually don’t exist. So in the end I can get drawn out rejections from hiring managers that realize the job I’ve applied for had long been filled by someone else!  They indirectly blame someone else for not correcting the information, so it’s sort of “oh well, and we’re really quite sorry, hoped it hasn’t inconvenienced you too much, and wish you the best.”

The opening for child to separate from ego occurs upon failure

When you praise in light of a child’s success, achievment, or accomplishment you support the ego part of self esteem.

When you can praise in failure you support self esteem without ego. Pure self esteem is feeling worth just because you exist and most especially when you struggle, flub up, screw up major time. You are seen so beautiful in the process of failure. Your inner beauty shines so brightly in failure, in the genuine fighting, the humility,the threshold of secumbing to the realization of total hopelessness and failure. When this is seen and you are seen and cheered and praised then their is pure self esteem without ego. Because you are loved just because you exist, and even more loved because you failed! You are loved mostly because you are a nobody.

The Law of Attraction does not explain the sucker punch. This is when your energy is riding high from an experience that exceeded your expectations. You are almost euphoric and you get a wakeup call sucker punch that brings you back down.

Last week I was riding on a high when someone called me up about a job as a Program Manager, basically a job where I’d be managing other managers.  I definitely thought this was a bit too much of a stretch for me, so I was surprised to get a phone call from someone interested in me.  They described all the stresses and high expectations from this position and somehow I spoke up and sold myself well enough that the person thought that although this was a stretch for me, my enthusiasm and sales pitch indicate I could pull it off.

A few days later I attended a LOA (Law of Attraction) seminar with lots of emphasis on maintaining positive imagery along with neutral emotions around the outcome.  The overall point was to maintain a net positive “vibration” so as to attract positive outcomes.  Well I was riding on an all time high: very positive and not fearing outcomes, because I fully expected positive outcomes.

So today I had the official interview fully expecting good outcomes.  I was taken off guard when I was met with less than enthusiastic emotions.  In fact I got back lots of skepticism.  And so I was asked to sell myself again, and as I spoke about my proudest moments, I got back silence.  They were not impressed.  In fact all my proudest moments and best accomplishments seemed to turn into negative points because they all seemed to typecast me as a computer programmer and not a manager.  And so the more they asked me to sell myself, I started to fumble and trip up more.  I felt sort of humiliated.  But one saving grace is that they had to cut my interview short due to another work emergency, and so they rescheduled me for a 2nd interview to try again.

So according to LOA

At this time I also tried to call someone else about another job that I did spectacular well in the interviewing process.  I was so sure I would have an offer by today, but every time I called for the status I got only the voice mail and no return phone calls.  It’s like they were intentionally avoiding me.

According to LOA principles I was vibrating positivity big time, and then I had an outcome I was not prepared at all.  I was sucker punched.  It’s the lack of encompassing the truth and purpose of negative energy where the LOA fails.  In fact the LOA focus on positive energy I believe probably will only yield satisfactory effectiveness in your life about 50% of the time.  LOA also completely does not address self Love, which by the way involves an acceptance of negativity as well as positivity.

I had to heal myself.  So I found a quiet sanctuary and I dug down deep to feel my saddest emotions of frustration and fear.  I wanted to see if I could pull out that crying child from within and what came forward was this image of me hugging myself as I was lying down on the floor with my anguished face buried in a pillow.  And I was saying to myself “you are so beautiful in your vulnerability! I saw how you were struggling, desparate and trying so hard to be honest, to honor your fears, to hold it together somewhat. So loveable and endearing you are. I have never seen someone try so hard.  I love you so much Wilson”

I just went thru the a layoff presentation and it was so sobering.  It was just me alone in a conference room listening to a presentation over a computer and conference phone.  A bit like the scenes in the movie “Up in the Air” only I got to choose where to took the pain.

My gut feels weak.  It just felt like a presentation of death.  Significant talk of trying to worry about what happens or what could go wrong after you die. I could almost here my Mom talking to me and thinking death has it’s benefits.  You don’t have to worry about money coverage, you don’t need money, food or medical benefits.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed with the New Orleans trip! This is nuts!  I just need time away for myself!  I should look for an apartment in Wilmington or discuss pet stay with Quality Inn at $800/month.

I’m feeling paralyzed at the moment! I recall all of the talk of importance of taking certain actions at the time you get in you mid to upper 60’s.  All of this is already at 100% of my ability.  I can only imagine that by the time I’m in my 60’s all this stuff will be insurmountable to comprehend, and by that time things will probably be completely different.

I do miss never land! I’m devastated again.

The song “Goodbye Neverland” recorded by Automatic Loveletter rings strongly within me.

Spending time in the Sun with my dog, Muffin has been helpful. When I get to a nice clean grassy field, watch my little white dog saunter amongst some butterflies amongst purple clover flowers and then roll on into the grass with a passion it brings out that smile within.  So good.  I just want to stay still and be and soak in the sun while my dog teaches me to just be.

She found two tennis balls and started bringing them over to me to throw them.  It was fun seeing her have fun.

And then I sat in the grass next to her.  And then I closed my eyes a bit and just soakd in the warm sun.  The sky rather blue.  The air rather crisp.  My heart starting to sing.  So nice.  I just wanted to be stay and be in this moment for as long as possible.

You see this moment is what I call the Source.  I stress I am not trying to pawn off a new religion or belief.  The Source is NOT something new that I want to prostelyze upon you, it’s just a being.  It’s like trying to prostelyze being HAPPY.  Only here I don’t use HAPPY, because the Source seems so much more than the word HAPPY.  It’s more like Wooaaah Man!  Wow. Ahhhhh!.  And when you’re in it you have nothing to say, because nothing you can say describes it, except just this undeniable smile within and maybe the sense that you dare not budge an inch, lest you lose that Zone of being in the Source.

I selected the above photo to show you how the Source feels.  But it’s more than just sunlight. It’s how I see the sunlight not directly, but in the glint of the periphery combined with the warmth.  It’s the glancing in the corner so that at times it diffracts into colors, the actual direct sun being so so bright.

But more than just the sunlight it feels like the sunlight from within the heart.  The aahhh ecstasy and brilliancy of love.  Let me show it for example in the following photo with my wife.

And with another shot many years ago with my dog.

So maybe this time all I can impart is that being in the Sun, lends a lot to being able to making that entrance into the Source.  And once you get a good load of soaking in the Source, you can carry it through the night.  For how long though I don’t know.

I saw Alice in Wonderland, thinking it was going to be corny or silly, but I was surprised.  Yes in ways it does follow the original Alice in Wonderland story, but something about it was so hypnotic.  All I can say is it really did feel like a dream. It had that same ambiguous, sort of real, sort of feels nice, but something’s not making sense kind of sensation.  In a world that feels a bit too hurtful, insecure, unsure, and nerve wracking it’s so nice to think of being lost in Wonderland.

I so wished I could fall asleep and go into Wonderland.  Wonderland may seem at times a bit scary because strange effects beyond your control may happen.  Any wierd monster could pop out and eat you up.  But then you really get a sense that this is all your world and if you so choose to you can control the outcome of this dream, it’s a matter of you facing your demons internally.  And once you do the effect is realized in the outer world: the day-to-day life here on Earth.

I so loved the Cheshire Cat.  Menacing yet because part of your dream there to serve you.  The white queen with great powers that in theory could defeat Jabberwocky or the evil red queen effectively with holds her powers and remains rather helpless because she too is part of your dream and is there to help you become who you want to be, because it is pointless for the white queen to succeed if you have not grown.  A crazed-mouse whose your friend could crazily try to poke your eye out or throw a tea cup at your head.  A rabbit that seems to be your guide seems ready to facilitate the good white queen or the evil red queen.  And finally the arch foe, the mighty Jabberwocky, greets you like an old friend, even though he calls you “old foe” is there to server you to push you to your ends that you will fail if you do not give it your all. Even the Jabberwocky who you created in your dreams is there to server you.  Both sides the light and dark side are all their as your friends in the end.

I really like this movie.  Tim Burton did a masterful job of conveying the story.  I was no longer seeing a flat symbolic portrayal of a dream, I came closest to feeling like I had fallen asleep and was dreaming.  The movie really had a lot of heart.  There was a lot of perspective in being able to see the good in all.  You learned to feel sorry for those who seem wicked, because they had a troubled or unfair past.  You see the power of kindness.  No, kindness doesn’t always play out as nicely as in Wonderland, but this is about dreaming, and it feels good.

A bit dare I say like that nice warm feeling I have called the Source.

Oh by the way, in Alice in Wonderland the Mad Hatter puts forth the following riddle: “Why is a raven like a writer’s desk?”  Supposedly there is no answer to this question.  However, I believe I have come up with the answer, if even Lewis Carol himself doesn’t know it.  The answer is:

“The Raven conveys the future much like the writer knows the story he has written from his desk.   The Raven is the symbol for omens, considered wise and portentuous.  In Norse mythology two ravens kept watch on the world and advised the high god Odin. Alice wrote this story which was the dream, which was Wonderland. This was the reason this riddle was brought before Alice in her dream to trigger the understanding that she was the writer of her dreams.  The Raven is the conveyor of that story that is being written on the writer’s desktop.  The Raven is like the writer’s desktop.”

… Dare and try to think of six impossible things to do every day

Around 6:00 pm I was preparing to go out to get groceries by myself. The sun was going down and I felt a big loss of energy. In fact everytime I thought of heading out it was like a huge suction of energy, and I really needed to lie down. But there were tinges of a sharpish kind pain in the lower front neck, just below my Adam’s apple and achiness and ichiness in my chest. There was anger there to, like the kind that would make me drive my car into a light pole at full speed. Not that I was that close to doing this. I mean I could have grinned and beared it like most people do and made it thru my day, but I decided to not do this and take my time.

And so I parked in a local shopping strip, shut off the car. And I just focused on being. Yes this was a meditation, but it was mostly just dumbing myself down so thought stopped and I could just be. I allowed myself to just falling into that deep depression state of motionless. Then I ever so slightly wiggled my fingers and toes and allowed whatever sensation from my chest to happen. Only a slight Source sensation, but the fact that I was just being passive was powerful, no focus or intention, just be at the mercy of what ever may happen.

I then started thinking of activities I wanted to do, felt any discomfort and really really sat and held in the feeling and eventually I’d suck in a breath and release in a sigh with each sigh a release of another blockage. I started to think of the upcoming days and my fears and was a bit surprised to uncover some angers there too. I sat and followed the pain in it’s sweetest spot, not letting myself slide away. My body would naturally or rather spontaneously suck in and release in a sigh. This sigh is like the sigh and shudder a child would have after completing a very heavy and exhausting crying episode.

Each time I got my attention back to the present I felt better. I felt that angry child emerge and suddenly thought of that bottle of pain killers I wanted to overdose on.

I talked to that child within with words like: “Why would you want to do this from your anger. What would you really want? Love and acknowledgement perhaps?” I talked to that child with words of: “I can give you much better than what overdosing would do. You don’t need to hurt yourself to get my love and attention. Let me give it to you now.”

I was better, less alone. Like a best friend was sitting with me and walking with me. So I entered a local Panara Bread store better, got a coffee, and just felt like an “ordinary” lackluster person just doing, nothing more or less. It was OK.

I love myself. I do I do.

My favorite room in Delaware Art Museum

So this past Sunday I found myself sleeping a lot more. It was actually kind of intentional. I woke up around 8 AM and then later went back to bed around 10 AM and slept until around 2 PM. It just really felt good to just waste the day away with the sun shining thru the windows all around the bed.  I eventually  got up and headed out to a relaxing time at the Delaware Art Museum.  On Sundays admission is free.

I eventually got to my favorite room inside the museum.  The lighting is low.  They have a stain glass window display, some furnishings on display and some that you can actually sit on.  I ended up plopping myself on one of one of the padded benches and just soaked up the calmness, the history, the aura.  I looked down at my feet and realized I was sitting on possibly an antique rug.

antique rug

I took off my shoes and rested my feet on this rug.  I then imagined that sometime in the future the curators decide that they should protect this rug and they later encase it in glass and hang it on the wall for display.  Many years in the future this rug becomes quite rare and valuable.  No one can ever touch this rug again.  So I come back to the present with a sense of great privilege to be resting my feet directly on this rug.

This sense of being present and being privileged and greatful stirs up the Source.  I start to feel some ecstasy.  This is what it means to be present and to be greatful.  Whoever is in your life.  Look at your current surroundings.  Many years in the future these people these surroundings will be gone and you will miss them.  How much you will start to wish you could go back in time and experience what you are experiencing now and taking for granted.  Soak up every precious moment of now, slow time down and savor ever second and make each second last.  Wow how precious.  Let me live life fully in the present moment.

This is the “Power of Now” that Eckerd Tolle refers to.  This is a path towards touching the Source.

I want you all to understand when I lead a meditation it is very much about being genuinely and authentically me but also addressing the idea of satisfying whoever I lead.  So if I lead a Self Love Meditation, it’s because I’ve found that I definitely need lots of self love, and what comes forth when I lead is that all my senses are all involved in all the insecurities and desires within me that justify the fact that I need love.  So then I want to convey that experience over to whoever I lead.  I also want to be as convinced as much as possible that they get that same experience.  And when I sense they are not quite there I adjust what comes out from my mouth.  When I lead a meditation I do not want to “cop out” and just run thru a simple script of:

step 1) Ring chime.  And have everyone take slow deep breath in and slow deep breath out.

step 2) Wait a long time

step 3) Mention words like “bring your attention back to the breath” and “just notice how you feel”. Then go back to step 2.  Keep going in this circle until 30 minute have expired.

step 4) chime. Phew your done.

Because then meditation falls into this blase category of an activity to merely relax muscles so that you can cope with your “true purpose” in life which is to make money during the day in order to support your self esteem, pay for sustenance, achieve as many things and buy as many things as you can before you die. And when meditation is in this blase category it’s an activity that you do only when you are feeling better and strong enough to do it.

I believe in an authentic intent in a meditation so that it falls in the category of something you do when you are feeling bad and weak and need strength.  When it’s authentic and well practiced then when tough times hit the meditation can be employed on the spot, inside of your head, silently and experienced throughout your body in seconds or kept on and off over the course of your entire day acting like an affirmation reassuring you that all really really is OK even when all is really really in flux and seemly coming apart.

So on Wednesday I lead another meditation. This one was focused on Fear.  It was a particularly interesting one to lead because the purpose of the meditation was in a way to diffuse fear and I had been nervous about leading this meditation.  So the plus side was the more nervous I got, the more personal fear I had to address to provide fuel and content to lead my mediation.  So in many ways this meditation was about constantly seeking ways to address whatever fear I had in the present moment.  Oddly if I had absolutely no fear then my meditation on fear would sort of been listless with no purpose and effectiveness.  But I did have plenty of fear so as I was preparing to lead the meditation I would run thru various exercises inside of myself and feel out which exercise addressed all the fears, anxieties and tenseness that coursed thru my body at various times.  And so at times I found myself spontaneous chanting unintelligibly some Native American sounding chant along with a Buffalo drum to clear the air of nervous mental chatter.

And so from all these exercises came forth this meditation.  I present to you this Fear Meditation.  You can listen or download it from here.

[soundcloud url=”https://soundcloud.com/wakundama/fear-meditation”]

My general sense of the outcome and feedback from the meditation was that it wasn’t the same as my Self Love Meditation.  I was kind of concerned about the fact that people wouldn’t like this meditation as much.  However, I had to face the reality that this was a meditation that involved focusing on fear and it’s more desireable to be hugged and loved in a Self Love Meditation rather than be challenged to face fears in a Fear Meditation.  The energy in the room was also not quite as warm as it was when I lead the Self Love Meditation.  Some old faces were not there and were missed.  And there were some new faces.  The energy was more heavily male than female as well.

But in the end I still got quite positive feedback.  Now I’m a bit less sure of what’s next.  I know that I will be leading another mediation on March 6th.  I don’t know what though.  Should I lead the tried and true Self Love Meditation or try and listen to what the next Meditation should be.

Much more often it is the talk of the Source to me that gives me the courage to lead meditations.

So today I successfully lead a meditation with Eric and Virginia. Oddly in some ways I was more nervous with this meditation than last Wednesday when I had some 5 more people all with higher expectations and experience.

I found my meditation taking longer than expected as I perceived that Virginia, Eric and myself were having difficulty turning the course of the meditation. You see when I lead a meditation I pay attention to the reactions of people and try to readjust to better meet their needs. And so because I was having difficulty leading I had to drop out parts of the meditation.

I was somewhat prepared to get some disappointing feedback.  But when I was finished I got positive feedback from both Eric and Virginia. I felt dissappointed with my meditation but everyone else was happy with the way things were.  I thought the last half of my meditation was a bit confusing.  I also thought that the first half of my meditation floundered a bit.  But somehow they liked it.  Maybe it was my voice.  Oh well, but this was definitely a confidence builder.  I really appreciate he support I got from Virginia who has at times been my toughest critic.

Anyway I was bothered with my Fear meditation and started to think of things I would do differently.  Then I went back to my book “Spirituality for Real” and looked up the section on the Fear Meditation.  And when I read it, I realized what I was missing, and I realized where I lead my meditation in an awkward direction.  What I had read made so much more sense.  As I was reading it more I thought to myself that “Wow now this is good!”  I can’t figure out why I didn’t make myself read my own writing, to read the meditation I had created.  I guess I was so nervous that I couldn’t manage to read one minute’s worth of text and get my meditation right from the start.  Oh well.

Now if I ever decide to lead a Fear meditation again, I’ll have it right and it’s now fresh in my memory.

So Wednesday night I successfully lead my first successful group meditation.  Virginia and I had been going on and off to a meditation group called the “Meditation Cove” that meets mostly in Delaware.  Members of this group typically volunteer to host this meditation at their home, usually playing a recording of a guided meditation.  So we decided to be daring and host a meditation at our place.  I decided to up the anti by hosting myself with my own meditation.  So I was definitely putting myself up for criticism.

Anyway on Wednesday morning Virginia had informed me that all our spots where filled up.  In fact with another person not registered planning to come we were technically overbooked for spots in our meditation.  So it was kind of exciting.  It’s kind of like trying to host your first party and worrying that no one is going to show up and getting RSVPs that it’s going to be packed.  In the end there was one person that got lost trying to get to our place and gave up and two others that were no shows.  However, we still had five other people make it, enough to make it feel like healthy gathering, and very ideal for an intimate meditation.

So Virginia and I dedicated all day in making our Apartment “meditation mood” worthy.  We de-cluttered things, cleaned carpets, cleaned off years of accumulated dust on the lighting fixtures, and more prominently arranged things like crystal rocks, “buddha bowls”, salt lamps, sound system, musics choices, food and drink arrangements, furniture positioning, heating and air filtration all to maximize a clean, calm, and quiet mood.  I think we are pretty happy with the way things looked.  We did ask ourselves wouldn’t it be nice if we could keep things this nice looking all the time.  Because it was nice.

So I was glad to start off my meditation not knowing quite for sure how long to make it.  I’ve never practiced or timed any of my meditations.  Oddly I get more stage fright making a recording of meditation alone versus doing it live in front of people.  So as a tool as used my iPhone to both record my meditation while running a meditation app to help me track my time.  I’d say initially I did get a bit nerved because it seemed my meditation was moving much faster than expected.  For a while it seemed I was on course to complete my entire meditation in less than 15 minutes, which is a  bit short of what most people expect, which is a full hour.  However, while I was doing the meditation two concepts were in my mind. They were:

1) Quality vs Quantity:  I focused on sensing if my meditation was producing quality experience in others and myself versus just filling in the time.

2) It’s OK to just be:  A characteristic of meditation is the ability to do nothing, be silent and just be.  No pressure no expectations, just a confidence to just sit and stare at each other blankly and feel comfortable.

So I allowed myself to pace things more and allowed the others to breath and observe their breath more without directly engaging their ears.  Several hours later Virginia explained there were a couple areas where she felt I was moving thru topics too quickly. So this let me know that perhaps I in a sense to much concentrated quality and needed to dare slow things down, way down to allow everyone to absorb the visualization concepts I was putting forth.  So in this case adding quantity, even filler blank time to absorb would actually increase the quality of the meditation.

My delivery of the meditation I felt was very good, very personal, very genuine, very soft, and very loving.  Towards the end of my “Self Love” meditation I was surprised at people starting to cry.  I knew it was an emotional meditation, but I didn’t realize how much.

And then I reached the somewhat awkward part, the end of the meditation.  So briefly I got very nervous again and started to think of how to lead people out of the meditation back into rising out of the seated position or getting something to eat or drink.  I started to feel a bit paralyzed and so just sat there watching some people with eyes open looking around for a cue and others still with eyes closed.  It was like they were all waiting for me to make the next move to get up or engage them, to tell those with eyes closed to wake up or those with eyes open to continue with the meditative state.  And so I just realized that it seemed natural for everyone to want to stay were they were and so I relaxed on the floor with no intention of getting up and said something like: “I guess you kind of don’t want to get up. I kind of don’t want to leave this place”  And everyone opened up and agreed and settled into the carpet even more.  I felt this major cramp develop in my left foot arch and I just calmly massaged the cramp away while seated on the carpet, staying silent and calm while everyone else was just calm and comfortable just sitting quiet on the carpet. One person whispered “Excellent facilitation” to me.  I then asked what they thought of the meditation and the feedback was “wow”.

One person said I could do a workshop with this meditation.  The discussion moved into how I came up with the meditation.  I mentioned that a good part of the meditation was impromptu based upon the mood I felt in the room.  I then mentioned that I had a few other meditations tucked away in my repetoir and someone commented that I should share more of the “Wilson Series” of meditations.  Virginia was sitting next to the piano and see felt encouraged to share some songs with close connections to self love.  She played and sang “You are Loved” and “February Song” by Josh Groban on the piano.  Two people joined in singing the first song and on the second song one was in tears.

It felt good.  We had made this a special night.  Think of hosting a party and having as your goal making everyone feel good, more loved, included and not left out.  No need to be superficial, our goal is to get you to take off you masks, settle in your old clothes and socks and emote, please do.  Everyone joked they wanted to sleep over. We should have a slumber party.  Somebody should order out for pizza.  Everyone hugged each other warmly before we all parted.

I like this.  Now this is what socializing should be more about.  I will continue to host meditations as the basis of socializing.

I was able to start of my morning setting with that ecstatic sensation I call the Source.  I wasn’t quite on point and so while it was nice it was a sensation that I could easily lose with a distracting thought.  I’d say for the moment a lot of my ability to touch the Source are my memories.  It’s like I play a recorder in my mind of those particularly special moments and the recording is able to recall a good part of those very nice physical and emotional sensations.  Even as I’m writing this, my mind flashes back to those sensations and it feels so nice.

So right now I’m getting back into that state that I would feel encouraged to do things like volunteering my time at a local dining room.  I am building back my gumption to start leading meditations again, after talking more about my experiences with Virginia.  And I have renewed interest in working on my book.

Back in 2005, I had started my book: “Spirituality for Real: Beyond the Incense and Meditation.”  I had then spent the next several years constantly rewriting and editing the manuscript.  Still so far I have not published this book.  My highlight so far has been getting an accomplished spirituality author  Carolyn Myss to read my manuscript.  I’d then sort of shelved my manuscript for about a year growing tired of constantly rewriting it.

Then tonight I went to a local writers group, mostly for socializing.  I dusted off a copy of my manuscript and expected to just read a small well polished section.  To my surprise as I was reading aloud I found my ears at times couldn’t understand the words that were coming out of my mouth.  I started to stutter, stumble and edit my words on the fly.  I started to think: “Wow, this stuff needs a lot of work”  I started to feel a bit embarrassed.  I handed a copy of this to Carolyn and to two other people!  But with this embarrassment was also renewed energy and excitement in getting back to work on my book.

The other writing group members started to ask me more questions about what my book was about and got more and more intrigued.  What stuck with me were comments that they really wanted to hear more about me, my story, more so than me conveying different concepts of spirituality.  Suddenly, my insides were shaking and starting to go in knots.  It’s sort of like that sensation when you’re deeply scared of confronting someone and you’re now making that initial confrontation and stumbling over your words, except here I was attentive in listening, not scared, someone else was confronting me and doing all the talking, and the words felt like they were coming from an old wise source being channeled through the mouth of the people speaking.  The words struck a chord deep within me that made my insides wake up and listen to what my ears were hearing.  The idea was impressed upon me that behind my book is an unwritten contract between me and the reader to promise to stick to telling my story and apply due diligence to not deviate from this contract. That idea gave me renewed spirit for me to follow, to guide how I plan to further work on my book.

In some ways this blog is part of that spirit. Behind this blog is a commitment that I have to you the reader to tell my story with the greatest of courage.  The more I can reveal the truth, with less and less fear the more I will be rewarded with freedom and the better the content of this blog.  In the end this is a testament of my worth.

I had some revelations this morning.  This is very intimate stuff.  I’m going to feel a bit embarrassed because some of this stuff is going to sound a bit crazy, maybe. But what the heck, here goes. If you get critical try and be kind.

1)    The child is at the 3^rd chakra; the source is at the 4^th.  The angst you may feel in the chest is the source trying to pierce thru to reach the call of the child.  For there is now emptiness, also a great fear of letting go and so for now there is great resistance and the resistance to what you seek is the pain.

2)    In the beginning there was one.  Then the critical parent was allowed to enter and it created separateness.  One part was the source the other was the child.  The source is in the mode of loving; the child is in the mode of receiving. The parent is the go between.  The parent must fulfill the role of the source, because the child believes in the parent; if the child didn’t then the child wouldn’t exist and there would be no separateness. Remember the story of the Garden of Eden.  Remember Buddhist thought of existence and suffering.

3)    The source is both the outside and inside.  There is love that can be received from within going out and there is love that can be received from around you showering down or all around you, encasing you.  And so you are the darkness in between, the separateness without which there would only be one. Remember the hypersphere.

4)    When you are in union with the source you are the source.  But this state is to be distinguished from an ego-filled state of I’m greater than you.  It is more of a matter-of-fact statement that I am the source, the giver of love and if you ask for love I must give it, because that is my purpose. This state is very much one of service, not of being served.

5)    Your goal is to bring all back to one.  For all that are separate love them and bridge the darkness, bridge the gap, and bridge the separateness.

The child within that becomes angry, love him.  You are the adult/parent loving that child. You exist because the child exists. The child exists because you exist.  Soon you surrender to the source and be one.  Soon you the child listen directly to the source.

Hear the language of the source.  The source speaks more in a language like a young puppy giving licks to you when you cry from sadness and loneliness.

I’ve become to be able to hear the Source speak to me.  It’s not so much an audible voice but rather a being immersed in love and in that huggy/lovey/nurtured state your mind starts to blurt out thoughts/words coming from the static like one sees patterns in supposedly random cloud or star formations.  It’s like that voice that comes out when you’re involved with something bigger than you that everyone touts is the newest, and greatest and you are in the minority that says something doesn’t feel right that possibly the small, the original, and the simple was the best. That feeling that something doesn’t feel right is the voice.

This is why it brings you so much joy now to think of working in a soup kitchen.  Because it feels so much like an honor and gift to be in communion with the source.  To serve the source.  Then to become the source and serve the child/children.  To be one.  To be.  It is so real.  It is so grounded.  It is so love.  It nurtures me. It nurtures my child. And it even nurtures the critical parent and adult.  It makes me smile.  It gives me joy, even ecstasy.

Over a year ago I was lying in the deepest of depressions. I was definitely one of those people that could lie motionless for hours staring at the same crack in the ceiling. Then there was one day a psychiatrist had prescribed me a stronger anti-depressant mix of medication and within 10 minutes I had a euphoric rush. I was told that this could not be the result of the medication because it takes a couple weeks for chemical changes to occur. But during that time I started to experiment with ways to bring about this euphoric rush. I found that sometimes doing things like recalling that euphoric sensation, slightly wiggling my fingers and toes, and just allowing my heart to just be, set off things.

There is one significant thing I did manage to accomplish and that was starting to draw a picture of what the Source feels like. With this picture I could at least reinvoke the sensation by starting at the pictures of the Source. I dont know if when you look at the pictures will it invoke the Source within you.

Let me start with my basic drawings:

Look carefully and in the above youll see a speck. That speck is the Source. The fact that it looks rather insignificant and easily overlooked is a key characteristic. So this is one aspect to touching the source, its an increased awareness that it will be that small insignificant thing in the corner of your eye a particular glint of a sensation that will be a trigger point for entry to the Source.

If you were to look deeply into that speck you might start to feel something that looks a bit more like:

Tell me if you look at the above now enlargement of the Source, what do you feel in your heart? This is the still small quiet voice that some have mentioned. Look more deeply at this. Dont force it, just start to let it be and see if the sensation of the Source expands naturally on its own. It may start to feel like:

If you feel the source at this size it means it has expanded to the point that you can just start feeling the euphoria. Now the next picture is what it felt like when I was at the height of my euphoria.

When I look at the above picture I can start to feel that euphoria resonate from my chest. Those of you who are attentive might notice that theres an insignificant looking speck at the center. Thats no insignificant speck. Its very significant, but I wont go into it at this time.

Let me go one stage further in pictures to where Ive been:

So I will end with a statement that these are the very first time I have ever shared these pictures with anyone. I dont know when Ill get back to discussing them, but I feel they are very key pictures. What will start to follow are some real world pictures of where I can see/feel the Source. And in all these pictures the basis is what you have seen in this posting.

Love yourself for you are the One.

It all started around 1998 (read about that time inwww.wakundama.com) when I was in the midst of a period of deep depression.  It was a time which I woke up every morning feeling like I wanted to throw up and wishing I was dead.  I’d push myself up, make it to the bathroom and after 15 minutes I was OK, ready to start me day.

I remember on one of those days.  I think it was on a weekend.  I woke up in great misery wishing I was dead.  I caught a glimmer of Sun light shining thru the slits between our window blinds and my great misery became overwhelming ecstasy.  I was in utter bliss.  I did not want to leave this sensation so I stood still and stared into the rays.  I had a huge smile.  It was like having a great sexual orgasm only greater and emanating from the heart region. This was happiness.

Then back mid 2008 it happened a 2nd and 3rd time.  I’ve since been blessed with the ability to touch what I’ve like to call “the Source”  I’ve even have pictures of what “the Source” looks/feels like.

In the future I hope to share these and more.  In the meantime if you have been touched by a great ecstasy of the heart, I’d like to hear about your experiences.  You can reach me by email at: WilsonCheung@WakundaMa.com